Words have always been my therapy. Whether it's through a song as I listen or whether it's putting words down on paper in a journal, or on social media as a Facebook post.
Tonight, this girl, always so full of words and sometimes humor (albeit sometimes dry) is at a loss. I have no words. Lots of emotions. But no words. Things are surreal at the moment. Very, very surreal.
Tuesday, December 23, an old friend and classmate did the unspeakable. The taboo. That one thing that no one ever talks about. It's real. And it exists. And people succumb to it daily. But you're not supposed to discuss it. Because it means something deep is going on. Something deeper than perhaps you can ever wrap your brain around. Or your heart. It's perhaps something you'll never have to face because you just (gasp) don't know ANYONE who could do such a desperate thing.
But guess what? It's real. It's a real thing. Like, really real. And it happens. To old classmates, to former teammates, to siblings, to nurses, to dentists, to lawyers, to moms and dads. It even happens to celebraties at the top of their A-game. It happens. And it's real. There's even a word for it. A long underrated, taboo, no-one-wants-to-talk-about-it, elephant-in-the-room word. And it's called suicide.
Unfortunately I've become way too comfortable with this word. This act of permanent defiance. And believe me, it is SUCH a permanent act. It's a final choice. There is no going or coming back. It's done. The grand finale. Perhaps a final act of trying to make peace with yourself while simultaneously opening up the gates of hell for those left in the aftermath.
It's become an epidemic. It's a tragedy. It's disturbing. And it's heartbreaking and SOUL CRUSHING. And tonight my heart is broken after losing an old friend and a lifelong classmate to this taboo "disease". And it's really a disease.
There was a time that I thought suicide was the most selfish act someone could commit. The ultimate "F--- You". But in my older and perhaps not-so-wiser ways... I know better. Because some of the most selfish people I know exist on this earth only to cause others grief and drama. While some of the most selfLESS people I've known have writhed around in unspoken pain and depression and anxiety. Never allowing anyone else inside their darkness because it would be too much for their loved ones to handle. I know this.
Perhaps in 2015, after this epidemic has cut such a deep trench in society, perhaps, just maybe....modern medicine will finally recognize it. That it's real. And selfless, successful, loving people succumb to it every single day. Even those with the best of intentions.
Maybe 2015 will be the year that lives are saved because people recognize what we still don't talk about. Even if just ONE life is spared.... Then modern medicine will have a great deal to be proud of.
In the meantime, pray for those who have been left victims of such a malignant Cancer. Pray hard for them. Because they will never be able to understand WHY their loved one did something so final.
