My New Life Motto.......

Remember on my last post (if you read it) that God was an INTENTIONAL God, not a COINCIDENTAL God? Well, you couldn't have hit me upside the head with a baseball bat and have me feel the power of God anymore than I did today.

The past 2 weeks have been an emotional roller coaster ride full of tears, anger, hope, joy, happiness, sadness, and everything in between. If there was an emotion to be had, we all experienced it. Specifically in the past 8 days. I've had issues with forgiveness, issues with controlling my temper, resolving a spat, and seeing God's glory still shine through it all. I was wronged, I was righted, I was wrong, and I was right, I was up, I was down, I was over it, and I was ready for it.

As I also mentioned in my last post, I am doing a Bible Study with a GREAT group of girls. We met this morning for a brunch and to have our little session. Whoa. Not only was I blown away that God showed me (again) how BLESSED I am to know such a genuine, kind, faith-driven bunch of girls, but He spoke to me LOUDLY through our session. I covered two pages in my notebook with notes that were not part of the fill-in-the-blank. I even shed some tears.

Psalm 62 was the basis of our session today (after thoroughly reading in 1 Samuel throughout the week):

¹ Truly my soul finds rest in God;
my salvation comes from him.
² Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

³ How long will you assault me?
Would all of you throw me down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?
⁴ Surely they intend to topple me
from my lofty place;
they take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless,
but in their hearts they curse.^b]">[b]

⁵ Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him.
⁶ Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
⁷ My salvation and my honor depend on God^c]">[c];
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
⁸ Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

⁹ Surely the lowborn are but a breath,
the highborn are but a lie.
If weighed on a balance, they are nothing;
together they are only a breath.
¹⁰ Do not trust in extortion
or put vain hope in stolen goods;
though your riches increase,
do not set your heart on them.

¹¹ One thing God has spoken,
two things I have heard:
“Power belongs to you, God,
¹² and with you, Lord, is unfailing love”;
and, “You reward everyone
according to what they have done.”

First and foremost, just this particular Psalm was EXACTLY what I needed today. Every. Last. Word. (And I am going to make it a point to learn hopefully all of it, but without a doubt verses 5-8.)

Today's lesson touched on EVERYTHING that I had been dealing with and even my family had been dealing with this week. Isn't it amazing how God does these things when we need it the most?! I am still blown away that I needed today's encouragement and God quenched the fire that needed it the most. One of the main points of today (and I LOVE this--- it is going to become my new life motto): To FULLY trust in God ALONE is a painful place to get, but it is a beautiful place to stay. HELLO?! This just reinforces what I've learned the past few days--- God uses us the most when we come to Him fully broken (that is, if we allow Him).

And after a little spat I had with someone I admired, respected, and (for the most part) put on a pedestal, today's lesson was what I needed. First and foremost..... after this little disagreement, God sent someone to my door yesterday (sort of unexpectedly) who had words I needed to hear. Then I started to realize more and more that Satan was stirring this big, yummy pot of the things he knew would bring me down the most. A good situation was pricked with something bad, and Satan knew just how to use it the most. And then forgiveness became an issue for me, yet again, towards someone I had put on a pedestal. (And don't get me wrong, I still respect this person, but have learned some new things about placing people on pedestals and forgiveness in the past few days.)

We can allow ourselves to become cynical towards people and trusting people, or we can step out of the way and realize that God is the ONLY One Who is the ONLY ONE worth trusting. People are going to disappoint us, whether it's our mama, our daddy, our children, our spouse, our friends, our family, our preacher, our Sunday school teacher, or our dog (some people consider their dogs as humans, right?!)

You can trust people to be good people, but not good saviors. There is only One worthy of that.

Something I will leave you to think about:

"Trust in God is not a place of refuge to which the believer can retreat from the turmoil and the disappointments of the world in order to find there his satisfaction and rest. Trust in God is a cell of organic life, a power-center which does not remain in isolation, but cannot help bearing fruit because it feels inwardly constrained to prove its living reality through acts of faith." (Artur Weiser)

We are called to trust God NOW more than ever--- in our present turmoil. Not just when we feel at peace with life and feel we are in a "better place". Which directs me back to one of my first points and my new life motto: To fully trust in God alone is a painful place to get, but a beautiful place to stay.

Learning about Life.....

I knew over the last 6 months or so, that things were going too smooth for my family. WAY too smooth. I don't intend on making this blog post about me, because the events that have unfolded over the past couple of weeks haven't been directly centered around me. But they have been directly centered around people I love the most in life.

It's really hard to put my thoughts and emotions into words because it's a swarm of both. But I was brought to a place where some things I already knew about God and our relationship with Him were totally reinforced.

#1. I know that God brings us trials not to bring us down, but to lift us up. (This is giving credit to a dear friend who gave me words of encouragement when my family needed them.) God cannot use us if we are brought down and feel defeated. However, if we will allow Him, wait on Him, and earnestly seek His will in prayer and by turning our "listening ears" to Him, He will use it for HIS Glory and for His kingdom. He can't use us if it becomes a thorn in our side to which we don't acknowledge that God is allowing whatever that thorn may be.

I am a firm believer that God uses us most when we come to Him totally broken.

#2. A great group of girls and I have started doing a Bible Study by Beth Moore on David. It's called "David: Seeking a Heart Like His" (and if you are ever looking to do a small group, I HIGHLY recommend this). But just in what I read in my lesson today, it really hit home. It's amazing how God can use small things to speak to us when we need it the most.

I highlighted it in my book. As most of you who know anything about David, you know that he was anointed king as a teenager. But he did not take the throne for another 15 years. Meanwhile, he was on the run. On the run for his life. King Saul was very jealous over David and was out to take his life. As many times as God showed His presence in David's life (a.k.a. one example--- killing a giant with a slingshot and a pebble) David continued to seek refuge by running from village to village when he knew how intent Saul was on killing him. He couldn't just sit still and trust God. He began to take matters into his own hands. Here is what I highlighted:

God reminded David of His presence, but David continued to run frantically from village to village. Surely Samuel reminded David of God's plan when David fled to Ramah. God reminded David of His presence and provision through the priest of Nob.

God reminded David in another way. Is it coincidental that the only weapon in the city of Nob was Goliath's sword? Is it possible God was trying to remind David that he had overcome a greater enemy than Saul with God's help? None of these reminders seemed to help because David had forgotten to measure his obstacle against God rather than against his own strength, as he had Goliath.

Wow. What an amazing couple of paragraphs. And being in the middle of this Bible Study, I don't think, is a coincidence of some trials that my family has been in the midst of. Because while today's lesson spoke, other days have rang true also. Yet another way that God shows up and speaks when we need him to, if we will just listen. God is not a "coincidental" God. He is an INTENT God. Things happen ON PURPOSE, big or small, happy or sad.

#3. Forgiveness is a BITTER pill to swallow and Satan knows just how to bring up rage and anger towards the person that we need to forgive. I am still struggling with this. And once again, on Day 3 of the David lesson this week, I highlighted something important.

Our words can only treat the symptoms. Only God can heal the disease of uncontrolled emotions. We've probably been in Saul's place at one time or another. Something makes us furious, then someone tries to "talk some sense into us". We feel a little better and pledge to put our anger away forever. Then, here it comes again with the power of gale-force winds.

Yep. Once again, God speaking. It also came to me this morning that forgiveness and trying to deal with the forgiveness of someone who doesn't always deserve it, showed me the UGLY side of ME. It occurred to me just how hard I can be to forgive. How unlovable I can be, and how I struggle with some day to day things that some might think aren't forgivable. How all of us can really be ugly creatures on the inside. Yet, God is willing to forgive me over and over. He knows that I am a mess-up, but He sent His Son to cover up for my ugliness.

Now, that's not saying that I have entirely forgiven my family member for the things he's done. I am still struggling with that. Yet, I have been trying to be on my p's and q's over praying for him. Do you know HOW HARD it is to pray for someone you have so much anger towards?! It's the hardest thing ever. It's hard to pray and mean the words you say to God about trying to forgive and asking God to melt their hearts.

But I cannot serve God properly with anger and hatred burning in my heart. I have to let God quench that fire and move on the best way I know how. Then when this person shows up to disrupt our lives again, I will deal with it the best I know how. First by trying not to lash out, and second by trying to seek God's peace.

#4. I have a friend (and I hope she doesn't mind me sharing this in my blog-- I won't use her name) who has been struggling through a really big trial. She has had a VERY sick mother for months. She is my age. She has children, a husband, and a job. For months she has been trying to balance all of it. Before she headed into this trial, I believe she was struggling internally with some things. I don't know all of what she was struggling with, just that maybe she had some internal battles. Over the past few months, she has been worn down emotionally, physically, and mentally. Yet, God proved faithful to her. He equipped her with the strength to deal with things, the friends to be there for her, and just the right things at just the right time, each time she needed them. Just last night she posted something beautiful on Facebook. I think she moved a lot of people by her words and admitting that she has grown in Christ through her trials. This proves to those of us who need reaffirmation that God can use trials for HIS Glory, that He will give us what we need, when we need it. And even when we don't always get what we may THINK we need at that time, he sustains us through every moment.

#5. I sure love my mama and I hate when she is worn down and worn out. She has been through a lot and is steal dealing with a lot. But, she has been a pillar of strength for my grandfather and for us. She manages to hold herself together when I know all she wants to do most days lately is break down and lock herself in her room.

I hope that if any of you are dealing with some tough things, that you can place your priorities in order. That you can know that God is ready to lift the burdens off of your shoulders and ease the pain of what we call life.

And I will praise you in this storm.... I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.... Every tear I've cried, you hold in Your hands....and though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm..... You are who You are, no matter where I am..... I lift my eyes until the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord--- the Maker of Heaven and Earth.

You are God in Heaven. And here am I on Earth. So I'll let my words be few. Jesus, I am so in love with you. And I'll stand in awe of you.......

Forgiveness?????

Sometimes you have to believe in peace that surpasses all understanding..... Sometimes you have to believe in a God that surpasses all understanding..... and sometimes you have to have a faith that surpasses all understanding. Sometimes you have to have a forgiveness that surpasses all understanding, and I am having a hard time with that.

My family is brokenhearted. We are brokenhearted over many things going on in my family. None of the circumstances of our broken hearts are within our control. My mom can't control the things her brother does. My grandfather can't control the things his beloved son does. I can't control the circumstances that have been handed to my mother or my grandfather.

My uncle is is the center of this entire family right now. And if he knew it, he would love every moment of it. Only he is not the center of my family in a positive way. He has sent my grandmother to an early grave, he has destroyed our family, he has wiped my grandfather clean of every cent he has ever worked hard for, and he is slowly killing my mom and grandfather and any chance of having reconciliation within the wall of our family. Jesus told Peter when asked by him, how many times we should forgive. Seven times? No, not seven. But seventy-seven.

Forgiveness is a conscious choice. But more importantly it should be a HEARTFELT choice. How can I SAY I forgive someone I love, yet not forgive them and feel it in my heart, or even feel love towards them? How can you forgive someone seventy times seven, and on and on, yet watch them destroy every ounce of their life including the lives of people around them?

I'm having a hard time with forgiveness. I broke the ties with my uncle 4 years ago. Five days ago was the first time I had spoken to him in 4 years. We have thrown stones at each other indirectly for years. The only difference? I gave my life to Christ and made an effort to change. I still struggle with past choices and past emotions and people in my past. Some days are worse than others. Yet, I have never had the mentality my uncle has had. Things I did hurt those I loved the most. My mom, my husband, and indirectly my only child at the time. When I think of my mother's reaction to some choices I made, it kills me. It makes me want to weep. When I think of how badly I hurt my husband and how I had the potential to destroy the relationship with my son, I had to find some new outlets to vent the desires of the flesh. There were nights I would pray and cry myself to sleep. And it's still not an easy road. I will probably struggle with certain emotions and desires until the day I die.

I realize that forgiveness comes from obedience to God. And I realize that I am disobeying God by having such issues with forgiveness. I also realize that prayer is the only way to break down the walls I have against a family member I once loved and adored. I don't want to live in disobedience to my Savior, but how can you forgive someone wholeheartedly, yet still feel the sting of hatred and anger towards them when their name or something about them is brought up? I am a child of God. And we are ALL created in His image. So how can someone fall so far off the spectrum of a child of God and still be called a creation of God?

God took me to my breaking point, my rock bottom. When my mom picked me up from a strange place as I smelled of an all-night drinking binge with my child in the backseat and when I lost my job as a result-- that was rock bottom for me. I was humiliated. And I am humiliated admitting it. But, I am comfortable enough sharing it because I am not that person anymore. I trained for a marathon that same year and ran out a lot of anger. I thought that entire time, that that was my answer to my anger and frustrations and stupidity. And it did help. I vented physically and emotionally and built a lot of endurance and made some wonderful friends. But, here I am 4 years later, and I realize that was only the beginning of God getting me out of my pit. After I was through training and I finished my marathon, I felt complete for about 2 days.

I am still on a journey. I have made a complete about-face, and am so glad and thankful I have a husband who showed the same mercy and forgiveness that our Savior did. I had the potential to LOSE everything . Instead, I GAINED everything. That is why I have a hard time forgiving. Because, while I was shown forgiveness for my mistakes, I made an effort to turn from the wrongdoing and change my heart. My uncle has been shown the same forgiveness, yet for 30+ years, he has yet to make an effort. He has dragged everyone down with him, including his own son and his elderly father and his only sister and his wonderful wife.

I need advice on forgiveness. I've been broken and needed forgiving in my life--- and I received it. Yet I can't forgive this one person who is taking us all down with him spiritually. How do you forgive, yet mean it with your heart, and allow them to continue their behavior? You can't forgive, yet be permissive about them continuing to hurt you.

Kids....

Child-rearing: What a joke. I mean, why couldn't God have just attached an instruction manual to the umbilical cord. Better yet, when the inspired Word of God was written why couldn't there have been an inspired Word of God: Parent's edition, too?

I love being able to stay home with my kids and get hugs and kisses and pick up my child from school and being involved in school functions, but that's the FUN stuff. The other stuff is SO far from fun, that it just totally falls off the other end of the spectrum.

Going to the grocery store? Um, okay. That might as well be a 26.2 marathon for me. It takes mental preparation, physical determination and some serious endurance. Especially for a coupon clipper like me trying to pay attention in close detail to the prices of everything that goes in my buggy.

Me and Kroger? We have a love/hate relationship. I LOVE shopping at Kroger because they send GREAT coupons specific to what we buy. Some are even for free things here and there. but I HATE Kroger because they have those awful, disgusting shopping carts that look like race cars. When we pull up in the parking lot, Ethan starts hollering for "da cah!" Can I just get a witness as to how GROSS those things are? It almost makes me want to gag up my Xanax I have to take before going to the store. (Okay, that was a joke--- I don't take Xanax, but I WISH I did sometimes.) I have to hose the thing down with those Clorox wipes like nobody's business. And there are times that I actually will bathe Ethan when we get home from the grocery store because I am so grossed out over the germs. Take for instance last week..............

There is usually about a 30 minute time frame I have before Ethan goes into a complete meltdown, rebellious mode at the store. Then he becomes possessed by Satan and his accomplices and makes the rest of the grocery store trip a trip straight from hell. These buggies that look like race cars, are easy to escape from. They have buckles, but my son is too smart for those stupid things. If I stop for 30 seconds to look at something and check coupons my son has taken off down the aisle turning and laughing. So yes, I become that mother I talk about. By the time we left Kroger, I lost count after spanking #6. And I didn't care who saw me. I was waiting for the police and Child Protective Services to show up with handcuffs. Towards the end of the shopping trip, he had decided to hop out of the buggy, run in a circle and hop back in the buggy before I could grab hold of him to spank him. It was a game to him. And trust me, he was the ONLY one laughing and finding humor. At one point he even hopped out of the buggy and grabbed a bag of Cheetohs and sat back down in the buggy. As we were checking out, he reached over, grabbed a handful of candy bars from the check-out aisle and then threw his entire body down on the NASTY floor and had a complete meltdown when I took them from him and put them back on the shelf. We went through that 3 times while checking out.

The same night, Chad was not home so I had the kids to myself. As I was feeding them supper, we bowed our heads to say the blessing like we do every time we sit down to eat. I was kneeling beside Ethan's chair since I wasn't eating at that moment. As we bowed to pray, Ethan leaned over in my face (while my eyes were closed and I was talking to God) and with a mouth full of food he had already shoveled in, smack, smack, SMACKED in my face. Then as I finished praying and opened my eyes, he opened his mouth full of food and said "BLLLLAAAGGGHHHHH" and started laughing. Apparently there was something funny about showing off what was in his mouth. I almost lost it. When I spanked him and told him "NO!", he hit me back and pointed his finger at me and said something very jumbled, but angry.

Brennan is just now getting to where he is behaving 90% of the time. I am NOT a permissive parent, but Ethan is a handful AND in his terrible two's. Brennan has been so good at home and school, and I am so proud. He even got student of the week AGAIN this week-- the first student in his class to get student of the week twice. He uses his manners, he follows directions, and obeys us for the most part. I don't know what I'm going to do with Ethan. Spankings worked with Brennan, but they aren't working for Ethan. I think it's time to call Super Nanny. However, before I resort to that I am going to try timeout. Even if I have to sit there for 5 minutes to keep him from escaping. He doesn't like spankings, because every time I say, "Ethan, I'm going to spank", he grabs his rear and says, "NO! Ow, ow, ow" without me even touching him. But then he hits back. So, how do you discipline a child by spanking when you are trying to teach them that hitting is wrong? Ugh. I need a user's manual for a toddler.

And just a little FYI, I know I could probably do my grocery shopping in the evening after Chad gets home to watch the boys, but quite frankly, I'm too tired to even think straight by the end of the day.

Don't EVER EVER EVER say my kids won't act like them! You will eat your words and there isn't enough sugar to sweeten those words as you chew them ever so humbly.

Testing. Testing. Hey guys! Just experimenting with this new blogging from my iPhone. Gee. Who knew I could teach myself such neat tricks? Whoever said you can't teach an old dog new tricks was a dirty little liar! I think I'm getting this technology thing down pat.

REGISTER

V-Day....

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. The day when love is in the air, and cupid is ready and waiting with his arrow. Well, it's been a wild, emotional, sort-of-strange weekend.

Chad and I went to a beautiful wedding yesterday. It was a simple, yet GORGEOUS display of love and commitment. There's nothing like a wedding to tug at the heartstrings. I had already been toying with the idea of having some sort of ceremony next year to renew mine and Chad's vows. It will be 10 years next year, and we have been down a long road. Neither of us are who we were 10 years ago, yet we are more in love than we were when we said "I do" 10 years ago. And yet it is a totally different kind of love. A mature love. I am contemplating the idea of a renewing of vows ceremony (any thoughts?)

I was so excited about my gift to Chad and the fact we were cooking out steaks and baked potatoes, and stuffed portabella mushrooms, and something just put me in the mood to go ahead and exchange V-Day gifts. Now, Chad and I have not exchanged V-Day gifts since Brennan came along. But we did this year and we cheated and did it a day early.

I made Chad a cd of songs that meant something to me and that made me think of him and the things we've been through. Let me tell you what the best Valentine's Day present is: playing the music in the kitchen, while we are in the middle of preparing dinner, stopping to dance to an emotional song and having both kids crawl under our feet, while one looks up and says, "Mama.....hold me". That is the best gift of love ever. To know that Chad and I will leave a legacy of sweet boys who will one day (hopefully) grow up to be wonderful, Christ-followers.

There is no gift to top the 10 minutes of our family being in the kitchen, preparing dinner, and listening to love songs.

And on another note...... On this weekend of V-Day, God has really shown up in my family and shown out. I can't share the story, not only because it's too personal, but it would also take me until the next millennium to share all the details, but there was a lot of prayer going on for some things going on in my family. I thought I had the answer to what should be done and how it should be handled, only in less than 24 hours, God proved me wrong. He intervened in an unbelievable supernatural way, and I am left speechless. God is good and God is in control. It doesn't get any simpler than that. Nor does it get any more complicated that that. Thank you, God, for your provision, protection, and guidance........

Random....

To keep from updating my Facebook status every 5 minutes, I will just share some random thoughts that I feel the need to share..... with whom?..... I guess with whomever of you chooses to read...

#1. I started a ticket system with my son at home. I got this idea from his school. Every time he is caught being good at school, his teachers give him a ticket. At the end of the week, he can trade them in for a prize or save them for something big (like eating lunch on the stage.... whatever that means). So, I decided to try it at home. Each ticket is worth a dime. Every time he does something good without being told-- anything from using his manners, to picking up his dirty clothes, he gets a ticket. At the end of the week, he trades them in for cash. Don't judge me. I realize this is a form of bribery, but until you've been in my shoes, you can keep your opinions to yourself. Also, he got a GOOD note sent home from school today. Makes my heart melt when he actually uses the manners and behavior we try and enforce here at home. As a matter of fact, he was SO excited to see my van pull up in the car rider line so he could tell me about his good note.

#2. I LOVE cold winter days. I especially love cold, rainy, winter days. But, I also like it when they are kept to a minimum. I have seen ENOUGH cold and rainy days. It's starting to mess with my head and my energy....

#3. I got an email today from Mark Brashier, which is our team leader when we go to Nicaragua. It was information about the village we would be traveling to this year and it was just general info about the trip and getting money to him and our applications. I became VERY weepy reading it. As all of you know, we are trying to have a baby this year. So far we have been unsuccessful and now I am torn with wanting to go to Nicaragua. I really thought I would be okay emotionally, and I realize that if I can't go this year, there are other opportunities later. But, initially accepting the reality that I will probably not get to go this year hit home today and has made me very sad. Of course, some of it can probably be blamed on this FABULOUS (not) weather!

#4. I have gained that lovely winter flab around my waistline. I love to eat. I'm sure we can all say that. But, once my jeans quit fitting, and my fat jeans came back out of the closet (the one's I haven't worn since I gave birth to Brennan), I decided it's time to direct my attention to water instead of food. I am currently on my 4th bottle of water today. (For all you "go green" people, I just keep refilling the same water bottle I started the day with). Yesterday I did the same. That says a lot because I HATE water. Now let's hope I can keep it up.

#5. I watched a documentary on Nancy Reagan last night. Wow. She was a classy lady. It really makes me sad that chances of a president like Ronald Reagan ever running this country again are very slim. Now, the perfect president would be a combination of George W. and Ronald Reagan. I can't even look at Obama's face on television for 5 seconds. He makes my stomach turn. (Just thought I'd throw that in.)

#6. Totally loved the half-time show last night. I thought Fergie was Fergi-licious (does anyone remember watching her on Kid's Incorporated on the Disney channel in the 80's?) The best part was when Slash made an appearance. Great performance, for what my opinion is worth.

#7. Just saw a story on the news about an identity theft ring in Jackson. This makes my blood pressure go up. It sounds exactly like what happened to me, and I would like to slap the stupid out of those people. These people work SO hard to get something that doesn't belong to them-- why can't they get a REAL job and put those work "ethics" to use?!

#8. Can someone explain to me how my 2 year old knows how to work my iPhone?

Enough random thoughts for today................

Babalu...........

Tonight was my brother's last night in town before he flew back to Cherry Point. So my family decided to go out and have some good eating! There are SO many great places locally that are great to eat and I had a hard time choosing (because my brother couldn't make up his mind!) Someone had posted on Facebook about a new restaurant called "Babalu's" in Fondren.

Oh my. I am in love!!! They have "I Love Lucy" playing continuously in the middle of the restaurant. The entire back wall is made up of shelves that house wine bottle after wine bottle. (I'm pretty sure they were empty.) It was a cute, yet hip little place. The food was not too expensive, and they don't give you so much that you stuff yourself until you're miserable. I also ordered the guacamole (after the recommendation of my friend and Brennan's teacher, Meade Davis) and they made it table side and it was DELICIOUS. Even Ethan (my picky 2 year old) loved it!

Anyway, at the risk of being cheesy, I took some pics (without the flash) since we were sitting in the corner before the crowd. We got there at 5 and were seated right away. About 30 minutes later, the place was full, and by the time we left at 6:30, there were people waiting to be seated. Two thumbs up!!!!

MiMi and Brennan

Melissa and me (notice the wall behind me)

AyAyAy!!! Love me some Ricky Ricardo!

Ethan being sweet.

Brennan eating his chicken and cheese quesadilla.

One of my yummy tacos.

Ethan and me.

Great restaurant, great food, and great atmosphere!!!! I can't wait to go back.

Birthday festivities!

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Chaaaad, happy birthday to you!!!

So after much anticipation, we celebrated Chad's birthday tonight. It was sort of a disappointment, but I have no right to complain. It just didn't go as I had planned. Our plans were to take Chad out for a yummy steak dinner with both of our families and have some cake, and let him open his gifts. Instead we went from steak dinner to pigs-in-a-blanket and opening gifts in our pajamas.

It was a big deal to me because Chad and I haven't been able to afford nice birthday gifts in years---well, let me rephrase that---since we've had children. This year I decided to get him something nice and original (thanks, Mrs. Davis!!!)

Brennan's teacher is a very talented artist. I asked her a month ago to paint some sort of Ole Miss painting with Colonel Reb for Chad's office. She did a beautiful job and I was SO excited about Chad's gift. Which brings me to something else that didn't go as planned....

I had been keeping my big mouth shut for WEEKS! And trust me, it was so hard! I was so excited about Chad's gift-- and he will be gone for his real birthday, so I wanted to celebrate BEFORE he left because I just couldn't hold it in any longer. So, as I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner, Brennan comes running up to Chad and says, "Daddy, when are we going to open presents??? Mrs. Davis painted you a picture, but I can't tell you what it is!!!" As soon as he said that, I looked over at Brennan with a dazed look and BURST into tears! Brennan had no idea what he had done wrong, so then he said, "Daddy, why is Mama crying?! I didn't tell you what your painting was. I just said it was a picture Mrs. Davis had painted."

Then my son could not let it go. Chad kept trying to get him to shush because the more Brennan talked, the more I cried--- and Chad knew how excited I was about his gift.

I knew I couldn't let it ruin Chad's birthday celebration, so I had to take a timeout and call one person I knew would understand: My mama!!!! I cried my eyes out to her, and as always, she calmed me down and I went back in the living room with my family and put on a happy face.

So goes our birthday celebration. Ice and sleet ruined the festivities and my son ruined the surprise. But, we still had a great night and I guess it makes a good story. At least, I hope it does someday........

So much for sharing the cake with all of our family....

Singing "Happy Birthday" to daddy.

I love the picture of them blowing out the candles....

Celebrating in our jammies!

Time to open presents.

Love this picture. It says "MILLER". You may have to look closely.

Now on to the best surprise.

Priceless.

He LOVED it.

With his two masterpieces! Thank you, Meade Davis!!!!

A Warning: TMI alert.....

Have I ever mentioned before that God has a sense of humor? I'm pretty sure I have, but just in case you didn't catch it the first 100 times I've said it, I'll say it again: God has a sense of humor. At least, that's how I like to look at it when something doesn't go as planned (or how I think it should go) and then things always work out for better in the end.

So goes our baby-making story. Still unsuccessful after 4 months. And I know what you're thinking. Four months and you're already worried about it? Well, seeing as how our first 2 kids came along before we even realized what happened, 4 months is a long time. Which is why I say God has a sense of humor. Chad and I both thought once again, bada-bing, bada-bam, here comes baby. WRONG. But I feel confident that God is trying to teach us something here. However I'm not sure if it's patience, pain tolerance, or just learning to trust in God over something we thought we had total control over.

Once Chad and I decided to start trying after my doctor's strong recommendation, we both thought to ourselves and each other, "We've got this!" Each month that comes and goes with no positive pregnancy test is one month that is painful, emotional, and debilitating for one or two days. And I don't mean because we are so emotional and racked with pain over not being pregnant, but my endometriosis totally takes center stage and takes over for days.... a couple of them being days that I can't even leave the house. A day like today, which with the weather like it is, it only seems fitting. I can handle EMOTIONALLY each month that passes with no baby in sight, but physically my body is giving me hell. I know female problems are mostly kept private, but if anyone has ever had to deal with the physical pain of something like endometriosis, it's hard to keep quiet. It can wear you down month after month. Literally everything between my knees and my neck hurt excruciatingly bad. Yes, even my KNEES hurt. Don't ask me why.

When I had surgery to remove my endometriosis almost 5 years ago, I was told it was temporary. There is no cure expect for pregnancy (which endometriosis can cause severe infertility issues) or a hysterectomy. It seems 5 years post-op and 2 years post-baby, it has come back with a vengeance and a point to make some days unbearable.

However, if this is my only problem, I am blessed beyond measure. I am just learning to refocus my emotions and concern away from a selfish standpoint, to directing it towards the only One who has control over my situation. I'm not sure why I decided to share this on my blog, other than to vent and deal with the fact that God has a plan and purpose. Pregnant or not, He knows what we are ready for and what we're not ready for. He knows the plans for our life and I don't. Furthermore, we already have 2 beautiful, healthy boys who we love more than anything in this world.

On a side note, I have told Chad that if infertility has already set in and made a permanent home, then I want us to start praying about adoption. I've mentioned before that my heart longs to adopt a child who would not otherwise have a chance in this world. Chad doesn't feel as strongly as I do about adoption, and he may never feel strongly. But God can soften hearts over things like that, so I have asked Chad to pray about it. Well, I guess, stay tuned for the rest of the story....

Thanks for "listening".