Sad face........

Okay, I am going to forfeit any rights to saying that I am a great parent here. I may even forfeit any rights to say that I'm good PERSON in general right now. Why? Because I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and I'm struggling to tie a knot and hang on.

I realize that there are many, MANY people out there who are not able to have children for whatever reason. And I in no way mean to sound insensitive or hurt anyone. I am grateful for the gift that God has given me by allowing 3 children into conception and so far having healthy pregnancies and children. But, with all due respect to anyone who may find my next statement offensive-- I mean NO disrespect nor do I mean to say something that may really hurt someone, but I am totally over being pregnant. I really am. I know that God has blessed me beyond measure, but I also feel that this pregnancy has been AWFUL and I think (no, I am CONVINCED) that this is God's way of telling me that 3 kids is all I need and can handle. This is coming from someone who 10 years ago wanted FIVE kids. Not only am I an emotional DISASTER 90% of EVERY SINGLE DAY lately, but I am dealing with a few aches and pains that haven't always been there. I realize that conceiving a third child was a choice Chad and I made as a married couple, and I wouldn't trade this pregnancy for anything. But I never, ever, ever want to do it again.

My emotions feel very raw lately and my patience has worn so thin I don't think the word "patience' exists in my vocabulary anymore. It doesn't matter where I am or who I am with--- some days I feel like I want to snap the necks of everyone around me just because they are breathing the same air as me. I have been very difficult to live with (maybe you all should stop and pray for Chad RIGHT NOW). Crying over everything is an understatement. And what I am about to say, I hope none of you take the wrong way. I don't even like my oldest child lately. (YES, I love that boy with all my heart, but I just don't like him lately.) We've sort of been dealing with second grade a little harder than any other grade. He has an EXCELLENT teacher. And we have homework almost every night, vocabulary words and tests, spelling words and tests, and math problems and tests. Brennan has a lot of MY side of the family's genes and he loves to argue. He will NEVER admit to being wrong and he argues relentlessly. He's also VERY smart-mouthed. If you told him the grass was green, he would find a way to try and convince you that the grass was not green and why he thought that. If you tell him to do something and do it now, he argues about having to do it and why he doesn't feel like he should have to get that done right then. Doing homework drags out the bad in all of us at night. If he misspells a word, or reads it wrong in a book, or adds his math problem wrong, instead of simply accepting that he got it wrong he ARGUES about why he is right. Yesterday he had the audacity to tell Chad (and I can't remember his exact wording) that Chad didn't know his math skills very well therefore Brennan was right and Chad was wrong. I. LOST. IT. Right then. Never mind the fact that Chad has a math degree and that's how he supports his family. But mix that in with Brennan's very rude, smart-alack mouth and it was all I could take. This morning alone I had my head in my hands crying as him and Chad walked out the door to leave because Brennan had already pushed every button I woke up with. And I have been waking up in a fairly decent mood since I've been actually getting some sleep (more on that in a minute.) So I had a few buttons to push. I felt horrible that my child walked out the door for the day and I was too mad and upset to even properly say my good-bye's to him. That's a rule that we never break. I sound like a horrible mother, but I'm really trying to be the best one I can possibly be.

Last week was my check-up at the doctor. Everything is still going well, except for the small meltdown I had in the office. I had gotten to the point that sleep was no longer existent for me. At. All. I was even taking Benadryl at night, falling asleep for 30 minutes to an hour and then I would be wide awake for the next 5 to 6 hours until the alarm went off. It wasn't helping my emotional state by any means. She gladly agreed to write me a prescription for something that was safe to take during pregnancy. But I really hate taking the stuff. If I take it and stay up longer than an hour afterwards, it makes me feel very drunk. Only without the headache and nausea. And then I don't even remember anything the next morning--- if I watched television, read, or had a conversation with Chad. So, I guess I just need to take it, turn off the lights and shut my eyes. As much as I hate the way it makes me feel BEFORE sleep, it allows me to get a good few hours of restful sleep. I still don't sleep all the way through the night, but it is definitely a much needed improvement. And my doctor told me that sleep and rest were vital right now for the health of the baby and me. So I try not to feel guilty taking it.

I guess while I am complaining I should also mention the relentless, never-ending pain in my right side. The same one I've mentioned before and the same one I've been dealing with for over 2 years. The same one that they chalked up to female issues and advised me to go ahead and have a third child and have a hysterectomy. I've become convinced it's not female issues. I don't know what it is. The other things I can try and reason with are chronic appendicitis or maybe an intestinal blockage. I've seen a surgeon and I've had sonograms and consulted with my Ob-gyn repeatedly over it. So, when I have my C-section, there will be a surgeon present (in addition to my Ob-Gyn) to have a look around my insides while I am already open and on display for all the world to see. I am to the point that I am PRAYING that they find something wrong. Not that I want anything to be wrong, but I also want to know that I am not anymore crazy than I already am. There is something wrong and causing pain and I think it has become like Chinese water torture for me. It has slowly started driving me batty. It definitely has contributed to my emotional state of mind. And just for the record, she loves to keep something of hers in that exact spot. I haven't been able to tell if it's her elbow or her knee. But she loves to keep it there and kick or punch.

And there you have it. All my complaints because I am being a negative Nancy. That is who I feel like I have become. But I have 8 weeks (from yesterday) and she will be here hopefully and prayerfully healthy and happy. And hopefully I will feel better and hopefully one of the 2 doctors can find what is causing my pain that is now 2 years and 4 months going strong and not improving.

So I guess if any of you read this all the way through, first I should say thank you for listening to me vent. And cry. I realize you have better things to do and I realize, too, that there are people with problems and issues WAY bigger than mine. But for right now, all of the above issues are weighing on my emotionally, physically, and mentally. Maybe throw in a prayer for me if you get a chance.