Humble.....

There really is nothing more humbling than sitting in the car rider line to pick up my child from school, and being surrounded by nice, shiny, dent-free cars in a town that was fortunate enough NOT to be hit with monstrous pieces of ice falling from the sky. My van is dented and dinged, the letters on my "Chrysler" emblem were knocked off. My passenger side mirror is cracked. I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, and I kept wondering why my eyes wouldn't focus, then I realized the crack has distorted the entire mirror. My windshield wipers were knocked off and they look like pitiful little things, what's left. Yep, definitely humbling. On the inside, I think the force of the hail knocked off one of my air conditioning vents over Mary Grace's seat. My van needs a big hug. And perhaps it wouldn't be so bad if it were ONLY my van. But Chad's car looks just as pitiful. Sigh. We're still waiting for a visit from the insurance adjuster. Hoping they won't be totaled. Otherwise, the dents will be part of the Miller family for quite some time.

And you may or may not be wondering about my fast. Still hanging in there. Although chocolate has truly been my biggest struggle. And pizza. It's almost ironic-- Papa John's is my favorite, FAVORITE pizza chain. I even entertained the idea of opening up one in our town just to have one close by. I. Love. Papa. John's. Seriously. Wouldn't you know? They choose the week I start my fast to open up a store 2 miles down the road. And to top it off, I was getting my hair colored Saturday and the girls in the salon were trying to decide about lunch. Of course, they chose Papa John's. So then they had to discuss what kinds of toppings to get. Then as my hair was processing, they delivered it. Oh. My. Stars. I wanted to kidnap the pizza. I would have even settled for licking the cardboard box it came in. It smelled so good I seriously wanted to cry. Sigh again. But I'm doing okay. I'm at the halfway mark. I feel like I've shed a few pounds. My digestive system is still loving me. I've definitely discovered some healthy meal and snack options to carry over after the fast.

My quiet time is going well. Still not perfect. But I'm making it a point to give God my first minutes after waking and my last before sleeping. And speaking of sleeping, I have been sleeping so incredibly well. For me. I still wake up several times a night, but I have been able to get right back to sleep. I feel so much more rested and energized. Although I have been having some extremely vivid dreams and STRANGE dreams. And I'm able to retain them when I wake up. I'm not sure why, but it's been a strange experience.

After this week, I still need a bag of Hershey Kisses, a glass of vino, and an entire, extra large Papa John's pizza. With the works. And all the garlic butter sauce I can DRINK. And I still want to go live with the Brady Bunch.

Good news

Good news. We are covered for hail damage under our insurance. Now we won't have to drive banged up "jalopies" as Chad put it. Of course, that's hoping the vehicles won't be totaled. If so, then we will keep on truckin'.

Today. Bad.

Today, for lack of better words, ended up sucking. It included, but was not limited to, both of our vehicles heavily damaged by hail. My van, it succumbed to SOFTBALL sized hail. Yes, softball. And insurance won't cover it. I KNOW! Things could be worse. Always. Things could be much worse. But right now, I want to curl up in the fetal position, suck my thumb, and eat a bag of Hershey's kisses.

I also want to go live with the Brady Bunch. I really, really want to live with the Brady Bunch.

Day 5

Day 5. I. Was. Soooooo. HUNGRY. Do you hear me?! I could have eaten an entire cow still mooing at me if someone had offered it to me. Okay, not really. But kind of. I drank water hoping to quiet my hunger pangs. I snacked on fruit. I even had peanut butter, hoping to put something in my belly that would "stick" for awhile. But I made it through the day.
With a little help from The Lord, and a little help from a friend He put in my path awhile ago.

Last night I met my friend, Kelly, just for a conversation and so we could have some girl time. We ended up meeting at McDonalds of all places. (Don't ask, it's a long story). We sat and talked. And then decided we needed to go grocery shopping. (Don't ask, it's what mothers do sometimes. Multi-tasking: socializing AND shopping!) When we walked out of McD's I told Kelly, "Wow! I think this is the first time I have EVER been inside a fast food restaurant and I came out with nothing in my hand and nothing in my belly!" Score one for the hungry chick. She laughed and asked if I felt empowered. YES, yes!!!! I felt very empowered. How come I've never been able to do that in the prior 31 years?!

Last night I came home with rice cakes, more peanut butter, and all natural salsa and all natural chips. Either I was really hungry, or that was the best tasting food I had had in five days. As a matter of fact, I think I'll go have a rice cake now...... But before I do, this was part of my devotion this morning. It really spoke to me and was just what I needed.

March 15

Listen to the love song that I am continually singing to you. I take great delight in you. I rejoice over you with singing. The voices of the world are a cacophony of chaos, pulling you this way and that. Don’t listen to those voices; challenge them with My Word. Learn to take minibreaks from the world, finding a place to be still in My Presence and listen to My voice.

There is immense hidden treasure to be found through listening to Me. Though I pour out blessings upon you always, some of My richest blessings have to be actively sought. I love to reveal Myself to you, and your seeking heart opens you up to receive more of My disclosure. Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

“The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”
—Zephaniah 3:17

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”
—Matthew 7:7

From "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young.

Day 4

Yesterday seemed to be okay.  Until after dinner last night.  My sweet tooth took over my thoughts.  All I could think about was C.H.O.C.O.L.A.T.E.  It got so bad that when one of my boys asked if he could eat one of his Reese's from Valentine's Day, I had the urge to sneak in his room and LICK one. Today is not much better.  As a matter of fact, my craving was so big that I dreamed about it.  In my dream, I was still in my fast, and somehow I was sitting in front of one of those expensive bags of chocolate.  The kind with caramel and raspberries inside...................mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......... oh, sorry.  I drifted off for a minute.  Glad my drool missed the laptop.  Anyway, in my dream, I thought "Hey, one piece will be okay".  So I ate one piece..............mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........... oops.  But somehow I ended up eating the whole entire bag ravenously.  And in my dream the chocolate was SO good, but I could also feel the guilt.  It was somewhere between a beautiful, glorious dream, and a bad dream.  And also in this dream, I dreamed that I  poured a big, cold glass of Coke.  Fizzy, cold, just the most beautiful drink I've ever laid eyes on.  And I raised it to my lips, and then I stopped.  Sigh.  Thank you, dreams.  For such moral support.

So today is day 5 and it's definitely becoming a thorn in my side.  And I don't mean that as a BAD thing.  I need this thorn in my side.  Thorns in our sides are blessings.  Because without them, we cannot go to God and ask for His help in dealing with them.

Today, I actually woke up, got out of the bed, and went and talked to God in the darkness and silence of my living room.  Even though it was easy to do this morning, I think it was just a fluke that it was so easy.  I know the weekend won't be any easier.  And I definitely know that next week, when we get back to our normal routine after Spring Break, that it sure won't get any easier.  Because then  I have to get up even earlier.  But I'm definitely making it a priority.  A discipline.  But I over time, I want to get lost in my prayer life.  You know, to have the kind of prayer life where you close your eyes and just get LOST talking to God.  As in, you open your eyes afterwards and feel like you've been in a trance or a dream state in your prayer.  I've got a long way to go.  But just like the runner who runs marathons, he didn't start out running 26.2 miles.  I hate to compare prayer and marathons, and it may be downright silly, but I live in a zoo and have 3 kids.  I'm just trying to get back to the basics of having a relationship with our Creator through prayer.  I lost it awhile back, and it's so easy to lose, and so HARD to get back.  Once you break that habit, it can be a slippery slope of sorts.

Moving along.....

Days 2 and 3 were still easy, considering.  Although, I knew in my head the first week, besides my body going cold turkey off most of the things I eat and drink daily, would be easy as far as self-control and willpower.  Because really, anyone can do most anything for at least 7 days, right?  When it's still fresh and a little exciting.  My body has definitely reacted to coming off the terrible "diet" I fed it every single day. The book warned us of that.  And mentally I had prepared myself.  But you never really can fully prepare your mind for what will actually physically happen in any given situation.  Sunday night I tossed and turned all night long.  By the end of Monday I felt like I was in a fog and was very fatigued.   And also had the twinges of a headache coming on.  I went to bed at 9:30, which is early for me these days, and slept soundly.  Well, soundly for me, anyway.  I still woke up throughout the night.  Yesterday I yawned a lot and was still in a fog.  My head ached slightly all day, which had turned into a full blown headache by bedtime last night.  I woke up at 5:30 with my alarm and had what I felt like a hangover headache.  It felt awful.  But as horrible as I may be making all this out to be, it really has made a difference with the rest of my body.  I don't feel "heavy" all the time.  And my digestive system, which I've had problems with my entire life (TMI, I know), has been my best friend the past 3 days.  No kidding.  And that is saying something. I've been to specialists and doctors and tried medication. I've even been a guinea pig on experimental medication.  And I change my food to an extreme all natural diet, and my system immediately starts functioning like the way God intended it to.

And I'm trying to incorporate things that the kids will like without freaking them out.  Sam's has edamame that you can steam in the microwave.  They are so good.  Just like what you get at the sushi restaurants.  The boys asked to try them and I warned them that they probably wouldn't like them.  I ended up having to steam another bag just for them.  They loved them. Which is unusual that they BOTH would like something healthy at the same time.  This morning I made a smoothie for me, which consisted of a banana, strawberries, soy milk, and rolled oats.  After I poured my glass, I added a few chocolate sprinkles, a little 2% milk, and 1/2 teaspoon of sugar and that's what they drank for breakfast.

But on to the other important stuff.  I've been waking up early and it has been SO hard to do.  I'm not going to lie.  I honestly think, as a busy mom of 3 kids, who values sleep when she can get it, that has been harder than the diet for me. And this morning, was the hardest.  I didn't have to get up and go to work, and it's spring break, so I didn't have to make lunches (well, I usually make Chad's lunch, but I was SO comfortable in my bed!), and I was so sleepy.  Like I had been drugged.  I didn't get out of the bed, and I hit the snooze FIVE times until I finally made myself wake up and open my eyes and talk to God.  Although, I still spent time with Him, I do feel like I had cheated Him by not crawling out from my covers and really bowing and praying.  So, this is probably the hardest part of the fast for me.  The food, the water, I seem to be keeping my cravings and my willpower in check.  But getting up early, when it's still dark, and going to the Father first thing, is my challenge.  And of course, this is what my fast is all about.  Getting closer to Him, and listening to Him, and shedding my baggage so that I no longer have to carry it around like dead weight.  And it just that: a spiritual dead weight.  So, if you are a praying person, just say a prayer that I can become stronger in that area.  Because that is the MOST important area of this fast. I've also been reading a FABULOUS book by David Platt, the author of "Radical".   It's called "Follow Me".  I highly, highly recommend this book. I love David Platt as a pastor and an author.  He tells things like it is, and doesn't water down any part of the gospel like Joel Osteen and others do.  He's definitely not a "feel good" preacher.  Get this book if you are out and about and need something to read.

However, just like I've rid myself of all the junk in my diet, I've also rid myself of all the junk in my life.  For the most part.  Like Facebook.  And the news.  And television. Not that I ever watch much television.  But sometimes folding laundry I will catch myself watching some reality housewives show or something silly that adds no value to my life whatsoever.  So, I'm getting rid of all the needless crap in my life.  (My mom always told me that that was a cuss word growing up, so sorry if it offends you, but that's pretty much the nicest word that I can use.)

Day 1

I've had a lot of nerves working up to this point.  Like, as in, I was nervous about fasting.  Even though I never heard much about fasting in the Southern Baptist denomination growing up, it seems to be a "trend" (and really, I HATE to use that word, but for lack of better words at this moment, I will just go with it) that has come back into light lately, even in the S. Baptist denomination. Our Sunday school teacher and good friend fasts every year for 3 days leading up to Easter.   No food, no drink.  He always gets an emotional experience and hears from God very powerfully in those days.  For awhile I have felt the tug at my heart.  I ignored it after doing a little research on the Daniel Fast, but it still kept coming up in my thoughts.  I had some bad habits that I knew I needed to dispose of, but I kept telling myself "Tomorrow, tomorrow, no I'll do it tomorrow".  Then it just got ridiculous how many times I told myself the t-word.

Then Lent came.  And I realized it hit me by surprise and I had not prepared myself to give up anything. And then The Daniel Fast really became heavy on my mind and heart.  I did more research.  And a little more.  And then realized perhaps this is just the kind of thing I need to get rid of some baggage in my life, some bad habits, and purposefully seek time to be with the Lord.  I had truly become dead in my spiritual walk.  For MONTHS.  So I decided, this is it.  It's now or never.  Are you going to intentionally make an effort to draw closer to the Lord? Or are you just going to put it off again until tomorrow, until tomorrow turns into next year and the year after, and all those ugly little demons begin to rear their ugly heads again, and you show the world what is REALLY underneath?  Sounds sort of intense.  Yeah. When my prayer life is weak, my past creeps up and reminds me of what a failure I am.  Or, let me rephrase that.  Satan creeps up, plants these seeds in my head, and because I don't pray them away, Satan loves to fill up my head.  And even my heart.

Last night I got a message on FB from someone, with whom I go to church with,  telling me that I should never publicly announce my fast.  That it is something one should keep private. That's the way Jesus intended.  While I understand where he was coming from, it also rubbed me the wrong way.  Like, do people really think I would deprive myself of ALL the things I love for 21 days just to turn some heads?! Satan almost used this message to get to me in a bad way.  But I stepped back.  And while I did respond to him, my response was this:  I could show up at the church every time the doors are opened, raise my hands in praise and worship, and cry at the altar every Sunday.  I could do all the "right" things that religious people do. But I could be doing it for man just as easily as I could be doing it for God. So what Satan intended to rub me in all the wrong ways actually got me to thinking a little bit deeper about it.  And I suppose it all comes down to a matter of opinion on whether fasts  should be kept private.  But I'm not a private person.  I mean, I blog for crying out loud.  About everything.  And then this morning a friend told me to keep her updated on my fast.  After I got to talking to her, I realized that publicizing my fast was not such a bad thing.  She had been thinking of The Daniel Fast and said she would like some inspiration.  Books and blogs, scores of them, are published on fasting.  And yes, I did publicize my fast because I needed encouragement and prayer from fellow believers who I knew would make a commitment to pray for me.  I also received the sweetest text message from someone this morning.  And it was someone I wouldn't expect to send me a text about fasting.  But she told me she was praying for me.  And it made me feel so refreshed.

Moving on.  Let's get to Day 1.  Today.  I woke up at 4 a.m. thirsty.  I wake up almost every night and the first thing that comes to mind is taking a big swig of Coke Zero.  And I don't know why I developed that habit.  But I did.  And I really wanted some.  Then I realized it was after midnight and my fast had begun.  Bummer.  I settled for  bottled water instead. I made a terrible smoothie for breakfast.  Almond milk is HORRIBLE, just for future reference.  I snacked on a handful of almonds on the way to church.  For lunch I had a leafy, green salad with onion, almonds, and tomatoes.  This is where I cheated a little--- and some of these things you can do at your own discretion during the fast-- I poured just a small amount of raspberry vinaigrette on my salad.  Otherwise I was going to feel like a giant rabbit cramming all that lettuce in my mouth.  I can do salads with none of the fancy fixings all day long, but I can't do it without any salad dressing.  I have been very hungry today.

At lunch, and just a few minutes ago, I had the urge to do what us parents are famous for:  Finishing the food that our kids didn't eat.  Or grabbing a handful of Cheez-its as they walk out of the kitchen with the box.  I think of it like this:  When you're electricity or power goes off for any length of time, what is the first thing you do when you walk into a dark room?  Flip the light switch on.  Even though it won't turn on.  You're accustomed to it. After years of it, it's what your mind and your body do naturally.  Well, that's how it is with food.  Out of habit, I almost climbed out of bed for my Coke Zero.  I almost finished Mary Grace's turkey and cheese wrap, and I almost grabbed a big handful of Cheez-its.  I almost stole a big sip out of my husband's Ole Miss cup full of Coke Zero this morning too. Which is why I'm still holding on to 15 extra pounds that I didn't have before my 3rd child.  I am my family's garbage disposal.  And fellow grazer.

So, there's a lot of bad habits that I need to break.  But it isn't so much about the diet as it is the discipline and learning and conditioning myself to have self-control and willpower.  But above all else, it's seeking quiet time and weak times to go to the Lord and ask for these things.  I cannot do without chocolate, dairy, coke, coffee, animal products, processed foods, wine,  and bread for 21 days straight. (Among other things).  But I know that through Him, if I am seeking Him for all the RIGHT reasons, then I've got this.  Or I should say, HE'S got this.  This fast won't change HIM.  But I am praying that it will change ME.