Losing a child

I guess I've just seen it happen far too often lately.  And the older I get, the more I see it happening.  It is my greatest fear in life, and honestly, it truly is my ONLY fear (other than my children failing to accept salvation): It is the loss of a child.  My heart is so heavy for families who have sick, tiny babies, and for some who have recently lost a child.  In one family's loss this week, she was close to my age.  Just four years younger.  I have prayed for peace and comfort not just in the days ahead, but the weeks, months and years that lie ahead.

I will not even begin to pretend that I know the depth of heartache and sorrow that a parent experiences with the loss of a child.  And, selfishly, I never want to know how it feels. If we're all honest about it, it's just not natural to lose a child.  It's supposed to be the other way around. I cannot fathom that the soul I carried in my body for 9 months, the soul that learned to kick and stretch while still in the confines of MY warmth, the soul whose heartbeat first started it's lifelong thumps in my belly, the soul that learned to yawn and smack, and practice breath for the real world, all inside of ME...... I cannot imagine that soul leaving this earth without me. The child that I rocked, and nursed, and cuddled, and laughed with, the child that I gave birth to and heard its first cries.  

When I was 20 weeks pregnant with Brennan, I had a complication and I thought I was miscarrying.  From the time I saw blood to the time I arrived at the doctor's office was less than 45 minutes.  But it felt like days.  I remember the sheer panic and the loss of breath I experienced, and the tears I cried.  Just those 45 minutes of thinking I was losing the life inside of me, makes me know that I NEVER want to experience anything even remotely close to it. 

But then again, our children do not belong to us.  God entrusts us with His blessings and gifts, and they are His.  We are only to nurture them, and love them, and birth them. Just as Isaac was given back to the Lord by Abraham, our children are ours to give back as well. And it's such a hard pill to swallow.  Because when I pray for my children everyday, one of the things  I always pray is that my children will be used for God's glory, for His kingdom, and that God will use their lives and what happens in their lives to bring glory and honor to Him. And God knows that this is one thing I truly struggle with when I pray.  After all, God can use illness, accidents, and disasters to bring glory unto Himself.  But then there's that realization that my children are not my own.  And then I know that God never means to harm any of us. He never wants us to despair, fear, worry, or fret.  And if there is one thing Satan plays on, it's the nagging thoughts inside my head, daily, of worrying over the loss of one of my children. And Satan knows that I still question why God would allow our children to leave this earth so suddenly and leave behind the grief of parents. I even questioned God this week.  And this morning.   But in the end, we all know that God is still good and just and Sovereign.  And God is good enough to leave us out of all the tedious details of our existence on earth.  We are not here to plan and to tell God what to do and how to do it.  We are not here to live in fear.  Or heartache.  Or sorrow.  We are here because our ONLY job on this earth, is to go forth and make disciples. 

But knowing our mission on earth still does not make child loss any more bearable or understandable.  I just know that the families in recent years that I know, who have experienced the loss of a child, will be prayed for today.  And know that my heart aches for you, and sorrow truly fills my soul. 

 For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord. As long as he lives, he is lent  to the Lord.” And he worshiped the Lord there.  1 Samuel 1:27,28

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God.  Romans 8:18,19

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Revelations 21:1-27

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18