Overwhelmed....

Well, I was really hoping for a better year in 2010. I was hoping above all hopes.... I guess I just should have prayed about it a little harder. Already so much has happened. And I mean, everywhere. Things happening to people I know, things happening to friends of friends, the earthquake in Haiti. It's only January and I'm really bummed out over this year.

First of all, I hate the word cancer. I HATE it. There are no words to describe the loathing that I feel for that word. It destroys lives, it destroys families, it destroys perfectly healthy bodies. As much as I hate that word, I am the least experienced when it comes to dealing with the C word. Yes, we've had cancer in our family before. My grandfather died of lung cancer, but he also smoked like a chimney. Not to say that anyone should get cancer. I loved my grandfather very much and it hurt to see him sick. But, what about all these other people it continues to affect? Like Baby Xavian, who has conquered the disease for now with much faith and prayer from many people. Or like Baby Ja'Colby, Xavian's friend, who just this morning, received his angel wings after just a few short months on earth. Or Mr. Beck, a family friend and one of the biggest prayer warriors and most faithful men of God. Or Mr. Stone, who was not a smoker, but was just diagnosed last fall with lung cancer. Or Kelvin and Tamara Jones who just found out a few weeks ago that their 14 year old son has an aggressive form of cancer. It's everywhere. Yes, there are survivors. Lots of survivors. But, it's an awful disease and it does awful things to one's body. Even the treatment of cancer is toxic.

And then, while I'm surrounded by so much pain and heartache this week, this month, this year, Chad and I got some REALLY hopeful news this past week. It could be the door we've been waiting for God to open. And I feel selfish for even praying about it and asking God to open the door and give us the answer our hearts are selfishly seeking. But at the same time it's some good news for us. A breath of very fresh air. And then a part of me is also waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me suddenly. Sure, Chad and I don't lead perfect lives. I've messed up enough for him and me both. We've had marital struggles, we've had financial hardships, but we always come out the other side better than before.

Right now, our lives are as close to perfect as a life can get. And I'm not saying that to brag. I don't want to brag. But, Chad and I both have good jobs, an education to fall back on, a nice house in a nice town, two cars that are paid for and run great, our bills get paid on time, we go to bed with food in our bellies, and above all else, we have our health. And most importantly our children have their health. Two beautiful, playful boys full of life and energy and questions. So, I guess I'm saying that to say this: I feel as though things should fall apart tomorrow. After all, it's not life if you don't have problems. I'm waiting for some really devastating news to come and slap us on the face. I know that sounds very pessimistic. I admit that it does. But maybe after so many months and months of heartbreak and disease and loss I've seen so many around me deal with, I feel like I'm just waiting in line for my turn. Waiting for my number to be called. I'm just really tired of seeing people hurt.

A lot of my pessimism (I admit) comes from not spending enough time on my knees in prayer. I guess life has gotten the best of me, and I haven't been focused enough on God and praying. I can really tell a difference and there is an unspeakable peace when I take a few moments, unselfishly, to be still and listen, and be still and get down on my knees and on my face and let it all out and hand it over to the only ONE who can handle my sadness and my heartache and who even wants to listen and already knows about our possible good news. Who can open the door because it His will and only when it's time for it to be His will.

I don't understand why God allows things to happen. I guess no one does. I do get angry at God for so many things. I question why so many innocent people suffer. I struggle every day with that question. But, for now, the only thing I can do is get back where I need to be and that is back on my knees. And for more than 5 minutes a week.