My New Life Motto.......

Remember on my last post (if you read it) that God was an INTENTIONAL God, not a COINCIDENTAL God? Well, you couldn't have hit me upside the head with a baseball bat and have me feel the power of God anymore than I did today.

The past 2 weeks have been an emotional roller coaster ride full of tears, anger, hope, joy, happiness, sadness, and everything in between. If there was an emotion to be had, we all experienced it. Specifically in the past 8 days. I've had issues with forgiveness, issues with controlling my temper, resolving a spat, and seeing God's glory still shine through it all. I was wronged, I was righted, I was wrong, and I was right, I was up, I was down, I was over it, and I was ready for it.

As I also mentioned in my last post, I am doing a Bible Study with a GREAT group of girls. We met this morning for a brunch and to have our little session. Whoa. Not only was I blown away that God showed me (again) how BLESSED I am to know such a genuine, kind, faith-driven bunch of girls, but He spoke to me LOUDLY through our session. I covered two pages in my notebook with notes that were not part of the fill-in-the-blank. I even shed some tears.

Psalm 62 was the basis of our session today (after thoroughly reading in 1 Samuel throughout the week):

¹ Truly my soul finds rest in God;
my salvation comes from him.
² Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

³ How long will you assault me?
Would all of you throw me down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?
⁴ Surely they intend to topple me
from my lofty place;
they take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless,
but in their hearts they curse.^b]">[b]

⁵ Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him.
⁶ Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
⁷ My salvation and my honor depend on God^c]">[c];
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
⁸ Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

⁹ Surely the lowborn are but a breath,
the highborn are but a lie.
If weighed on a balance, they are nothing;
together they are only a breath.
¹⁰ Do not trust in extortion
or put vain hope in stolen goods;
though your riches increase,
do not set your heart on them.

¹¹ One thing God has spoken,
two things I have heard:
“Power belongs to you, God,
¹² and with you, Lord, is unfailing love”;
and, “You reward everyone
according to what they have done.”

First and foremost, just this particular Psalm was EXACTLY what I needed today. Every. Last. Word. (And I am going to make it a point to learn hopefully all of it, but without a doubt verses 5-8.)

Today's lesson touched on EVERYTHING that I had been dealing with and even my family had been dealing with this week. Isn't it amazing how God does these things when we need it the most?! I am still blown away that I needed today's encouragement and God quenched the fire that needed it the most. One of the main points of today (and I LOVE this--- it is going to become my new life motto): To FULLY trust in God ALONE is a painful place to get, but it is a beautiful place to stay. HELLO?! This just reinforces what I've learned the past few days--- God uses us the most when we come to Him fully broken (that is, if we allow Him).

And after a little spat I had with someone I admired, respected, and (for the most part) put on a pedestal, today's lesson was what I needed. First and foremost..... after this little disagreement, God sent someone to my door yesterday (sort of unexpectedly) who had words I needed to hear. Then I started to realize more and more that Satan was stirring this big, yummy pot of the things he knew would bring me down the most. A good situation was pricked with something bad, and Satan knew just how to use it the most. And then forgiveness became an issue for me, yet again, towards someone I had put on a pedestal. (And don't get me wrong, I still respect this person, but have learned some new things about placing people on pedestals and forgiveness in the past few days.)

We can allow ourselves to become cynical towards people and trusting people, or we can step out of the way and realize that God is the ONLY One Who is the ONLY ONE worth trusting. People are going to disappoint us, whether it's our mama, our daddy, our children, our spouse, our friends, our family, our preacher, our Sunday school teacher, or our dog (some people consider their dogs as humans, right?!)

You can trust people to be good people, but not good saviors. There is only One worthy of that.

Something I will leave you to think about:

"Trust in God is not a place of refuge to which the believer can retreat from the turmoil and the disappointments of the world in order to find there his satisfaction and rest. Trust in God is a cell of organic life, a power-center which does not remain in isolation, but cannot help bearing fruit because it feels inwardly constrained to prove its living reality through acts of faith." (Artur Weiser)

We are called to trust God NOW more than ever--- in our present turmoil. Not just when we feel at peace with life and feel we are in a "better place". Which directs me back to one of my first points and my new life motto: To fully trust in God alone is a painful place to get, but a beautiful place to stay.

Season of my life....

There are lots of things going on in my thought process these days. I wish I could share every last detail of my life, but for starters, it would simply bore you to death, and I also don't have enough hours in my day. But, I can definitely say without a doubt that I have arrived at a season in my life that brings me pure joy. That's not to say that I still have a few joy-suckers that I experience some days that try to suck my joy away, but overall I am not only at peace with where God has brought me, but I am joyful.

I have been through many seasons in the past few years of my life. I have grieved over some things, I have been selfish over some things, and I have felt sorry for myself (regardless of the fact that in a few situations, I put MYSELF there for selfish gain.) This blog post may sound like a bunch of rambling junk to you, but I want to be able to express how my life has been far from perfect in years past-- I have messed up, been to rock bottom, experienced pain--physical and emotional, have hurt MANY people, and have even been one step away from renting a room at Whitfield. (And I don't mean that to be funny.)

I am proof positive that God can take a big mess-up and turn it into something that can actually glorify Him--- but I didn't get there overnight, that's for sure. And I'm certainly not saying that I don't take 2 step backwards some days and struggle with some things that might haunt me until the day I die. But, at one time I would have let that totally consume me. Now I just pray that God can continue to show me that regardless of what I have done to others and to myself, if I will just allow Him, he can make use of my struggles and turn it around for His glory. I'm not that selfish person I was 5 years ago and I thank God that He allowed some things to happen in my life that once caused me so much pain I never thought I would be able to come out of the other side of it and live to tell about it.

God has really revealed himself to me just in these past 2 weeks and it's amazing that if I will simply take the small things He shows me, I can make it a HUGE thing, because really that is what is happening. He is revealing some very small things a little at a time, and for me it's turned out to be a REALLY big deal. And I know that this certain season of my life will not last forever. It's just a season. While my thirst is being quenched and my cup runs over, I know that this is temporary. We all hit seasons that are dry, sometimes empty, and definitely full of trials. But, it's in those dry seasons and seasons filled with trials that you can truly find what REALLY brings you joy. And that joy should be thanking God that you woke up this morning and were able to kiss your spouse good-bye before work and hug your children and call your Mama and sleep in a warm, comfortable bed. What brings you joy should be being able to glorify the Maker who allowed you certain blessings in your life and even trials.

However, as God has been revealing Himself to me as He has, I should share that I have still seen so much heartache going on with people around me. Just this past Friday a childhood friend of mine (and might I add this is the sister of Rebekah who was taken to Heaven last year after a car accident) lost her baby who was only a couple of weeks old. Sometimes certain families seem to suffer so much more than others. But, in tragic situations, you have to look for the joy as hard as it may be. I have never lost a child, so I can't even begin to imagine the pain that is being endured in their hearts. But, I feel certain that baby Britton is not only being rocked and held by Jesus, but that Rebekah gets to laugh and play and dance with her nephew, all at the feet of our wonderful Maker. Britton will never have to experience pain and suffer the pains and trials of this scary world. He will only ever know peace and pure glory in the light of our Savior. I feel certain that even in situations like this, God can be glorified beyond our wildest imagination.

I want to share this, that someone posted on Facebook this morning, and I love it. It's so true and appropriate:

When I Asked God
When I Asked God for Strength
He Gave Me Difficult Situations to Face
When I Asked God for Brain & Brawn
He Gave Me Puzzles in Life to Solve
When I Asked God for Happiness
He Showed Me Some Unhappy People
When I Asked God for Wealth
He Showed Me How to Work Hard
When I Asked God for Favors
He Showed Me Opportunities to Work Hard
When I Asked God for Peace
He Showed Me How to Help Others
God Gave Me Nothing I Wanted
He Gave Me Everything I Needed-

And on a light note, since Brennan has asked Jesus into his heart, he has really made a dramatic change. Maybe it's the newness of it all, but he has just been so excited about his decision. Yesterday his teacher wrote a note to me saying how much of a difference she has noticed in Brennan the past few days. He has been on his best behavior and has used his manners above and beyond. I can only pray that he will continue to take his decision very seriously and will continue to act like he really has Jesus in his heart.

Mind-blowing day.

Yesterday turned out to be one amazing day. As long as yesterday seemed to drag on, by the end of the day I was actually disappointed to see it end. I really have no words to describe the events that transpired yesterday, so I will just tell it like it happened.

So, we have a couple of medical bills that we have been chipping away at little by little in hopes of having some miraculous way of paying them off before we get pregnant. On my way to the pumpkin patch, on the long hour drive, I was talking to Chad on the phone. By God's good grace, we have been able to come up with a little extra cash just in the past week. Chad called the 2 places that we still owe money to. The first place gave us a small discount-- not as big of a discount as we had hoped-- but still a discount nonetheless since we were going to be able to pay off the bill totally. The second place Chad called, he told them he had a set amount he could give them, if they would write off the rest. She told Chad to let her see what she could do, put him on hold, came back and gave him a bigger percentage off than what what he was offering to begin with. All in all between the two places yesterday, we saved over $1,000. I was overjoyed! And really, that doesn't even describe how happy I was and how God was yet again tapping me on my shoulder and saying "See, Mandy? Once again I have not failed you and Chad."

Fast-forward through the ridiculously long morning and long afternoon. Chad was gone for the evening last night, so it was up to me to getting the boys fed, bathed, and tucked in for bed. Chad and Brennan do a devotion every single night together. (Here is the part that gets a little jumbled up, because so much has happened in such a short time with Brennan.) We have been talking from time to time to Brennan about what it means to accept Jesus as his Savior, what it means to ask Him into your heart to come and live forever, and what it means to be baptized. That being dunked in water does not make you a Christian. Being dunked in water is not what having salvation is all about. Well, this past Sunday guess what their Sunday School lesson was on? Yep, you guessed it. It was about salvation, baptism, and how the water doesn't change you, but God living in your heart changes you.

So after I read his devotion, I told Brennan that he needed to think about asking Jesus into his heart. I told him he didn't need to do it right now, because I wanted him to fully understand the concept and the meaning of it. He said, "Mama, I understand. I want to ask God RIGHT NOW." He then prayed the sweetest prayer and said, "God, I want you to come into my heart and be with me and live with me FOREVER." Then he informed me we had to arrange a meeting with our preacher ASAP so he could tell our preacher that he understands the meaning of it all. Let's just say I was beside myself with joy. I called Chad crying, I called my mom crying, I was so happy and so proud. The single most important milestone in my child's life had just happened.

Then 5 minutes later he called me into his room and he had lost his third tooth. I was very overwhelmed with all these big things happening in one day.

Last but not least, and I am truly amazed at what I am about to show you and tell you.... Chad works with a very sweet lady named Faith. Her and her husband have a trailer that they pull around on the weekends for a hobby they enjoy. Well, it had been awhile since the tires had really had any maintenance on them. Her husband noticed that the tires were getting worn and it was finally time to do something about it. Faith adds that she had gotten away from church in her life and just in the past year has become involved once again. When her husband went to change the tire, it was so worn that it was to the point it was literally ready for a blow-out at any moment. If the blow-out had occurred, it would have probably caused a bad accident. So Faith told Chad here is proof that God is telling her He is always going to take care of her:

And I must admit, that even though that really hit home with Faith, I also think God has used it for me. Because at the end of a long, yet fulfilling day, God chose that to close out my day and show ME that He will always remain faithful, He knows the plans He has for me, and He is involved in every single aspect of my life.

Lately I have been feeling just like that tire. I have once again been struggling inside with some things that like to creep up on me and bring me down from time to time. I usually keep these things to myself, but I know that God always knows them. On top of that, there has been so much busyness in my life and my kids drive me crazy, and just everyday life in the year 2010 where everything is fast-paced and the more you can fit into your schedule somehow makes us think we can be superwoman or superman. I have really felt like that tire. Worn out, ready for a blow-out. I've been frustrated, grumpy, tired, and ready to pack my bags and head to an island where no one knows my name. But like the tire, God has once again shown me that He is in control, and if I can just let Him take control, He will continue to amaze me and refresh me and leave his imprint on me so that I can once again make it through another day.

The donut and the hole.....

So, as I was reading my devotion this morning it had quite a hilarious, yet true statement. Something to think about: "As you travel through life, brother, whatever be your goal, Keep your eye upon the donut and not upon the hole" (Might I add this was a sign that was said to hang in a donut shop somewhere.)

How true. For myself and for others of us out there, that is exactly what we do: Focus on the hole of a situation, and not on the WHOLE of the situation. We look at what is wrong with everything and not what is right about everything.

I just wanted to share that catchy little saying. It will definitely be something to remember the next time things aren't quite panning out the way that you intend for them to do. And really, what good does it ever do to stress out about "the hole"? YES, I am asking MYSELF that, because I am always the first one to go into panic mode when something doesn't go quite right. I should have a sign made about the donut and hang it somewhere I can see it daily-- and quite a few times daily.

"The Shack"

So I recently bought "The Shack" yesterday. It was one of those books, that to be honest with you, I was almost afraid to buy. Kind of liking watching that movie "The Exorcist" or something. I've never watched it, nor do I intend to. I'm afraid it will put images and thoughts in my heads that have no need of being there. Not that I felt "The Shack" was evil by any means, I just knew it had some "different" views on God and how He can work. So yesterday, I was a little leery, but I picked it up and bought it. I posted it on Facebook for others to share opinions. In all, I got 30 comments. Some I have put here. (Others were just thoughts in general about my kids.) So, if you did not see my status on Facebook, and have read this book, what is your opinion? My favorite comment is at the end, from Blake. He is a very talented, deep-thinking man who has a lot of talent and Christian insight to offer.

Just bought "The Shack" to read. Any comments? Is it good? Also, my kids were acting so bad in the store, while I was checking out the lady pointed to a book and said, "This is on sale for $5 right now, it might do you some good." The name of the book??? "Have a New Kid by Friday" What does that tell you about my heathens?

• My aunt loved that book. She let me borrow it, so I guess I should read it ;)

• I've been warned against that book by some people I really respect--Larry McDonald, for one. I have not read it, myself. Be careful what you expose yourself to, sweetheart. When do you leave for Nicaragua? Have been praying for you and your team.

• I've heard that, too about that book. That is why I am going to be careful while reading it. We leave in 24 days. Sooooo excited.

• It may leave you not quite knowing what to think about it. Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. (Does this book challenge your theology? Does it seek to change or "add to" your theology? Does it confirm your theology? --- and by all this I mean does it affect what God is telling you about Himself? And is He using this book to tell you something about Himself?)

• My first reading of "The Shack" left me with mixed feelings, and it eventually landed in my "not-quite-favorable" category. But, it did give me a lot to ponder as to how I see God and His love. I plan to read it again with a different mindset to see whether it can be "upgraded" or firmly placed in my "damaging-to-bad theology" category.

• Thank you, Dennis. I have an open mind about it but I do not want it making me stray. This could be a good future blog topic. Especially for you since you have not blogged in so long and can offer some insight. :)

• It sure tells me a lot about that ride ladie's manners! Anyway...my mom read it and loved it.

• At Lifeway, if you bought the book (at least when it first came out) they were giving you a letter - "Read with Discernment - Book Briefing" - reminding you among other things that this is "Christian fiction" -

• I started it and did not finish it. I need to make myself finish. I was ambivalent about it. I had heard a lot of good things about it (i.e. how many copies sold, etc.) - but just didn't care for it as I read it. I should at least make myself read it through though.

• I personally Loved it and is my Favorite book!!! :)

• my mom read it and said it was awesome. let me know what you think.

• I talked with several people at church of whose opinions I value greatly. I got different responses, but I finally decided anything with that much controvsary (sp) was not for me. I also made my final decision not to read it by knowing my mother would not have read it. But to each his own!

• I was so excited to read it a while back. I was disappointed. To me it was nothing more than a story. I want to try and read it again.

• And Sherry, that's what it more or less is to me. Like a novel I would read.

• don't get me wrong it was a great story! Just nothing aha or life changing about it for me.

• I read it. Some really like it, others can't stand it. It is definitely different. Don't consider it to be Biblical/Christian. Whoever reads it needs to be grounded in their faith before reading it.

• I agree with Rachel. It is different...but I loved it!

• "The Shack" is one of my favorite books--a strong reminder to me of God's love and of how very close He is to me. Definitely an "a-ha" book for me. It is fiction, not intended to be theologically correct. Jesus Himself was a "storyteller"--maybe He knew how much a story could change a heart? "Have a New Kid by Friday"? If it sounds too good to be true, well....ha! The nerve of that lady!!!

• It's a GREAT book...there were three guys that collaborated to write it...two of which I spent a few days with recently. They are the most real guys I've EVER met and truly seem to understand walking in freedom with the Father. These guys weren't talking about theory...they truly live it...without the big titles. This book, along with others they ... See Morehave written, opened me to a world of freedom 'outside the four walls', that I never knew before. I think it would be easy to miss the big picture though if you get overly concerned about what's theology and what isn't. After all, our goal isn't 'perfect theology'..it's a relationship with a real Heavenly Father that is 'incredibly fond of us'. The Shack shows this incredibly well. I think the greatest truths from this book can only be understood from the heart...the head just seems to get in the way.

‎

I messed up.....

So I totally blew it this week. And, no, I don't mean on a diet or something of that nature. I guess part of my health issues are causing my brain to not function right. And, as I said earlier, it has caused me to feel not so chipper and on top of my game lately. I won't say what I did. Only God and maybe one other person knows besides me. But, lets just say I royally screwed up. I just wanted to crawl under my covers and never come out again. But then, as I was getting dressed and ready for work yesterday morning it occurred to me: This isn't as hard and as terrible as I'm convincing myself it is. There is just one simple solution. (This is the part where I slap myself upside the forehead and say, "DUUUUH!".) Just ask for forgiveness. That's all I was looking for. Someone to forgive me and tell me everything was going to be okay. It just took me longer than it should have to realize there is only One who can offer that to me. Sure, I could ask Chad for forgiveness, and he would forgive me. But, IT would still be there.

Then to really put the icing on the cake--- and I mean the really good, homemade, cream-cheesy icing--- as I was headed to work yesterday morning I heard a profound statement that hit me like a ton of bricks--- only good, soft bricks. The statement(s) went something like this: God doesn't want us to run away from our problems. He doesn't want us to run and hide and try to act like they don't exist and haven't happened. He wants us to sit in our problems. He wants us to sit there, and wait patiently on Him. He wants us to sit and seek Him and LISTEN for Him. Not RUN from all of our issues.

My goodness. That could not have been anymore than what I needed to hear at that exact moment. That was a God thing all the way around.

So yes, I truly screwed up. But then I faced it. I sat. And I wrote some of this in my prayer journal this morning: Dear God, I royally blew it. I did a really selfish, sinful thing. I know a sin is a sin in Your eyes, but help me. Help me to sit in my problems and wait on You and OBEY you. Help me to face it and not run from it. Forgive me for being the sinful creature I am-- and help me be less like ME and more like YOU.

Maybe I can put my big girl pants back on now, and move FORWARD instead of 2 steps backwards.

Dry Season.....

Okay, I know I said that I would not blog for a week AND that I would stay away from Facebook. Well, for the most part I have done just that. I receive Facebook messages from friends on my phone like text messages when they post something to me. So, other than that, I have stayed away. And I haven't even missed it. As far as blogging, well, there has been a lot going on the past few days.

My brother left for Arizona, Hawaii, and Japan. He got to spend the entire holiday weekend on the beaches of beautiful Hawaii. But, being a military man, he deserved it. We had a great holiday ourselves. We didn't do anything over the top. Just had a nice little cookout and a small bonfire at my parent's house Sunday night. My middle brother came in from the Gulf Coast and cooked some ribs and shot some fireworks for the boys. It was just pleasant being with my immediate family and not having to prepare lots of food like we always do.

On a more serious note, I am struggling with some personal issues. It's been going on awhile, but I don't always care to discuss my personal spiritual issues AND health issues with everyone. My poor family hears it enough. But I have had enough on both issues.

#1. My health. Don't get me wrong, I am in good health. Nothing that I know of that is wrong with me. I don't have cancer or any other disease that I am aware of, but I am dealing with chronic pain. My right side constantly feels like I have a knife stuck there. Some days it's almost unbearable, and other days it's just a slight nuisance. But, it's always there. It has been going on for over a year. My gallbladder has been ruled out, my appendix has been ruled out, kidney stones have been ruled out, and I visit the G.I. doctor on a regular basis. My back is always hurting, too. Again, like my side, it is sometimes unbearable, and other days it's just there. On top of that I have problems with my legs. They ache, they twitch, and I can never sit in the same position for more than 2 minutes at a time. And then there are days I have no energy. Simply THINKING about taking care of household duties and two kids overwhelms me sometimes. I do it because I have to, but it takes all the energy I can muster.

I'm not posting this for sympathy. Actually, I don't know why I feel the need to share this with the world. But sometimes all I can do is cry. And I believe it's starting to affect my mood and my happiness. Sometimes I cry because I hurt so bad. Sometimes I cry because I'm tired of hurting. And sometimes I cry because I feel sorry for Chad having to listen to me cry about it all the time. I have not even reached the age of 30 yet, and I can't imagine having to feel this way for the rest of my life, however long that may be, because I know it will only get worse. I've put myself on vitamins, and I take Motrin like it's candy some days.

I had a conversation with a sweet friend this weekend about my pain. I didn't just come out and say anything, but somehow the conversation came up. She, too, had been experiencing similar symptoms. She was diagnosed with a Gluten allergy. It's something that is very commonly overlooked. I, personally, even think sometimes it can be mistaken for "fybromyalgia" symptoms. And by the way, I do not believe in fybromyalgia. I believe people have chronic pain and symptoms, but I believe that it is a doctors last resort when they can't find anything else wrong. My friend went on a Gluten-free diet and takes lots of Vitamin D and has been symptom free since changing her diet. I am willing to give it a try. If it means living with less pain, I am desperate enough to try. She is going to send me all the information she has so that I can look at it and give it a try. I also have a doctor's appointment in a few weeks, and I plan on discussing it with my doctor. Short of pulling my hair out, I don't know what else to do. My Ob-Gyn wanted to see if it had anything to do with my endometriosis I have had problems with my entire teenage and adult years. She put me on some strong hormonal birth control pills, but my pain is still there after 3 months.

So, my health issues are out there for all the world to see. Sorry you had to endure reading that. I am asking for no sympathy, but maybe just a prayer or two.

#2. So, I have sort of hit a dry spell in my walk with God. A lot of it has to do with getting my daily dose of worship and quiet time. I'm not always good at taking the time to sit and talk to God and listen. I'm getting better about it. It's mainly on the days I have to get up early and go to work that I don't take time out like I should. But, now I have gotten to where some things at my PLACE of worship (church) are ruining my worship experience. I am the type of person that NEEDS to be at church every week. Otherwise I really get away from where I need to be. But, I guess I am too involved in things and now I feel the need to back off of things I am involved in. My husband was just ordained as a deacon. He felt the calling. Part of my job as his wife is to be submissive to things he feels lead to do (although I also lack in that area, too). I'm ready to visit other churches. See what else is out there, and have a more fulfilling worship experience. I'm not being fed because of some things that have become too lax at our church and have been brought to my attention and for lack of better words, BOTHER me. Chad is completely happy where we are. He is being fed. I am not. So now we have a problem.

On a personal note, I have started 2 daily devotions and have made a commitment to myself to write out my prayers to God. After I write them out, I then truly pray over them. I also write a verse from my devotion and something meaningful from the devotion that day that I can look at and study in my notebook. I am also trying to make a commitment to send at least one note a week to someone I know who is struggling with something in their lives. I know that there are a lot of people hurting around me, and I feel it necessary to let them know that there are people praying for them. If I can't get totally fed at church right now, maybe my own personal time alone and with God will help me through this season.

Heartbreak.....

Well, for those of you who like to keep up with my blog, you may notice that it's been almost a week since my last post. There's one reason for that: I've hit a wall. Actually, I've had plenty to blog about, but the plain and simple truth is that I get tired of depressing any readers of my blog with bad, sorrowful news. But, I guess I just feel compelled to blog anyway. So forgive me. My intentions are not to always be a "Debbie Downer". It's just that a lot of people around me are hurting and struggling so bad in some way lately.

I've received several text messages from completely different individuals asking to be prayed for just over the course of the past week. Then just yesterday a sweet, amazing couple lost their baby. Natalie was 3 weeks from her due date, and her pregnancy was going just as it should. No complications, no issues to speak of. And suddenly, she delivered a stillborn angel. I just love this couple. They have a daughter who is Ethan's age. And Paul (the father of the baby and husband to Natalie) has a brother who is also expecting a baby soon with his wife. So it will be that much harder for Paul and Natalie to grieve knowing that they would have had a child the same age. What should be a joyous occasion, now has turned into heartbreak.

I cannot imagine the pain and heartache and suffering associated with losing a child of any age. When I was pregnant with Brennan I had some issues when I was only 10 weeks along. I was at work and I remember it as if it happened yesterday. I thought I was miscarrying. I remember the panic and heartache that set in immediately. I had a full blown panic attack. And from the time that the initial panic set in, to the time I was in the small, dark room at the doctor's office getting an ultrasound done, felt like an eternity. I would not relive those hours for anything. I also remember looking over at Chad as we watched the heartbeat on the screen telling us everything was okay and seeing tears in his eyes. There could not have been a bigger burden lifted off of our shoulders at that moment. My situation ended up fine. I was put on bed rest for several days, and everything turned out okay.

Just the pain I experienced THINKING I was about to lose a child was all I could stand. I cannot imagine losing a child and not being able to wake up from the nightmare. Coming home to a nursery meant for my unborn child. Coming home to silence. Coming home with empty arms. These are all scenarios I can't wrap my thoughts around.

This year has been hard. Last year was full of tragedy. This year has made last year's seem like a walk in the park. My prayers are with Natalie and Paul yesterday, today, and for months to come. If you are reading this and have ever lost a child, you know the grief they are experiencing. Please-- lift them up. Even though their baby will never, ever experience pain and suffering and heartache in this world, the parents and family left behind will forever feel a void and a hole in their hearts.

Friends....

Friends: Most of us have them. All of us want them. Very few can live without them. However, TRUE friends come along and our lives truly are changed for the better. I don't want to sound mushy and gushy. But, I have learned in almost 30 years of life that people come and go in our lives-- whether they are no longer in our lives because of a disagreement (which really, if you can't have a disagreement with a friend and still remain friends, it would be safe to say they were never a true friend to begin with) or because of distance and time, there still remains the handful (in my case it's not even a handful) of people that you can count on for anything or who would do ANYTHING for us.

Facebook is a funny thing. I have 460 people listed as my friends. Some I went to high school with, college with, some were coworkers at some stage in my life, some were teachers I had in high school or college, and some friends go as far back as elementary school. Then there are those who have requested to be my friend, and I have seen those same people in public, and they don't speak or acknowledge my existence. I enjoy being on Facebook. It's fun to "socialize" and read other people's status updates. But, it can be an awkward thing, too. But Facebook isn't the reason I'm posting this blog entry. I just got a little off the subject here.

Back to my original train of thought-- So, last year I went to Nicaragua on a mission trip. Some of you may or may not know that and may or may not care. But, it was a blessing. I enjoyed every SECOND I was there. We had limited electricity, no air conditioning, no toilets (well, not what I would consider a toilet), no comfortable beds, lots of bugs (which included a few scorpions), lots of heat, lots of dirt, lots of standing up on concrete floors all hours of the day, a maniac bus driver, muddy showers outside, and we even had to de-lice ourselves (twice) at the end of the week, but I thoroughly enjoyed every moment from the minute I stepped on the plane in Jackson, Mississippi, to the time I stepped OFF the plane a week later in the same airport. I was already set in my heart and prayers to go back the following year (which, of course, would be this summer.)

When the time came around this past winter to start signing up again and getting finances in order, I knew I wouldn't be able to go. However, I still held a small glimmer of hope that somehow God would provide if He wanted me there, but I was really trying not to get my hopes up. A couple of months went by and no money magically fell from the sky, and apparently the money tree I planted out back didn't quite thrive as I had hoped. So, seeing as how a mission trip to Nicaragua cost more than a luxury vacation ($2,000) I knew my opportunity to go was not going to be this year. Plus, we sort of knew Chad would be taking this new job, and his vacation time would not be accrued in just a few short months, and I needed someone to take care of the boys during the day while I was away. It was looking like God wanted me to stay here this time. I was heartbroken. I didn't dwell on it, but when I thought about it at all, it made me really sad.

So, what does going to Nicaragua and true friends have in common? Well, I'm getting to that. When I knew there was no way I could afford to go (even if someone offered to pay for half) I told the Minister of Administration at our church and just had to make peace with it. Within a couple of days, I was called and told to sign up to go, fill out my forms, and make plans to go that week because my trip was going to be taken care of. At first I didn't say yes. I don't always feel comfortable knowing someone else is footing the bill for me to do something. Sometimes it makes me feel selfish. So, I told the church that I would think it over and pray about it and see how I felt in a few days. Apparently the deadline to sign up was quickly approaching because I had to make a decision almost immediately. I went ahead, filled out my paperwork and sent it all in. I had no idea who was taking care of this and how many people were taking care of it (and I still don't know ALL the details, of course, because people give anonymously in situations like this) but I had to trust that God would provide every last penny because once I signed up, my hopes soared through the roof and I got really excited about being able to go. And I knew we were strapped for extra money and I couldn't afford it.

Well, one of my sweet friends has taken VERY good care of me. I knew this friend had been helping out financially and possibly getting others to contribute. Because of her, as of last week, my trip was paid up. And no, she is NOT the type of person who wanted me to know that she took care of me financially-- she is the most humble, giving, genuine person I have known. Her AND her husband are. Which is why Chad and I have enjoyed getting to know them the past couple of years. She sat at the hospital with me for 6 hours on Memorial Day weekend last year when I was sick as could be and never thought about leaving my side. They raise their children with the exact same values we do, and they are true servants of Christ in EVERY way. I had no words to adequately thank her. How do you thank someone for doing such a HUGE thing? Not only financially, but this is a life-changing trip. For me AND for the ones I will be going to serve. I sent her and her husband a thank-you note in the mail, but really??? Is that adequate? No, it's absolutely not. I don't want to name who she is, because many who read my blog know her and her family and she would be embarrassed. And I realize there are probably others who contributed, and for you, whoever you may be, I am truly grateful. Again, there are no words to thanks the individuals who give in such a HUGE way.

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself, because friends have come and gone, some over some pretty petty stuff, and others who no longer needed to be in my life, nor I theirs. I don't have much of a life outside of my home-- my husband and my boys are my life, and I don't really get out much. But, I have friends who I know will take care of me. And I don't mean in the sense that they help foot the bill for a trip I want to go on. But, I mean friends I can call and cry to if I need to. Friends I can hang out with in the middle of the week in my pajamas when I need some girl time for a couple of hours (Adrienne that's for you.) I have lots of acquaintances and I have casual friends, but true friends are very few for me, and they're as good as gold, but priceless. As far as the situation with Nicaragua, God has truly woken me up and made me realize how precious my true friends are and how EXTREMELY blessed I am outside of my family. I truly treasure the friends I can still consider true friends that I've known since elementary school and high school, but I can also equally treasure the friends who have recently come into my life within the past few years. I have nothing to complain about, do I? So, why do I continue to do so?

Tragedy/heartache/grief.....

This year has truly been no different than last year. The hope that this year would be better than last has already let me down. Already in the month of June, only halfway through 2010, tragedy has surpassed last year's. Today Mr. Eddie Beck, a sweet precious man of God was called home to live in peace and without illness for eternity.

Sometimes when I wonder the why's of life and the tragedies that befall the undeserving, I have to dig deep into my heart and open my Bible or read a Max Lucado illustration and be reminded that none of us are exempt from heartbreak. Neither are we alone in our frustrations and our heartaches.

The story of Job is something that really makes me sit and ponder how a man such as he could continue to worship and THANK God for what his life had become after he lost everything and was afflicted with pain and suffering and illness covering his body. It was only until his friends surrounded him and made him believe that he had done something terrible against God, and therefore he was being punished. Even when he cursed the day he was born and cried out in frustration and anger at God, God still reassured Job: "Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?......Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me if you understand." (Is. 38:2,4) Job's response after God spoke is something that I have had to learn through the sufferings of bad choices in my life and through the heartaches and grief of others I have seen who have dealt with pain and illness and hurt. "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, "Who is this that obscures my counsel and knowledge? Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know." (Is. 42: 2,3)

Pain, illness, death, heartache, overcoming bad choices..... they can all be used as an example. They can all be included in God's plan. We don't always see the big picture of why bad things happen to good people. Or why we make a choice that can haunt us for the rest of our lives and affect others too. But God can take it and still use it for His purpose and His glory.

There is the story of King David, who was an adulterer and murderer, and God still chose to use him.

"Moses tried to escape justice, but God used him.

Jonah ran from God, but God used him.

Rahab ran a brothel, Samson ran to the wrong woman, Jacob ran in circles, Elijah ran into the mountains, Sarah ran out of hope, Lot ran with the wrong crowd, but God used them all." (Max Lucado, "Facing Your Giants")

Even those who did not make a choice to alter their lives forever. Those who didn't choose to be eaten alive with cancer, or choose to be in a head on collision or sideswiped by another car, or choose to lose their job, or choose for their babies to spend the first year of life in a hospital, or choose to lose their home or their children or spouse. What we go through and how we choose to accept it and live with it can be why God allowed it to happen. Our lives can end up being a living testimony to others.

Romans 8:28 states that "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose".

God even used His Son. Pain, heartbreak, and even death were part of the plan. Jesus felt the same grief and heartache we go through during suffering. In Matthew 26:38 it states that "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. " Even Jesus, God in the form of man experienced sorrow and heartache and grief. And then he even cries out to God "My Father if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." (Matt. 26:39) He then went back a second time in prayer finally praying "My Father if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done". (Matt. 26:42)

I made some wrong choices in life. It affected MANY people. However, I'm just glad that instead of giving up on me, God chose to save me and hopefully he will use me. But, suffering isn't always because someone has been particularly sinful and evil. Suffering can come upon any of us in the blink of an eye. Your life can go from normal to devastating in 0.5 milliseconds. Things can crash down around us in the blink of an eye. You could unknowingly kiss your spouse or your child goodbye as you dash out the door like you always do in a hurry, never knowing that it could be the last time you saw them alive. A routine doctor's visit can turn into a devastating blow of an illness that will cause pain, suffering, and ultimately death.

When the unexpected happens, when hurt cuts your heart in half, and when you don't know what else to do, pray. It's okay to be angry with God. It's okay to be frustrated with why your life has been full of disappointments. It's okay to cry out that you're angry and frustrated and full of hurt. My grandfather had a saying taped to his wall in the office of his home written on a sticky note and I remember reading it a lot when I was a little girl. "When you go to bed at night, leave all your worries to God. He's going to stay up anyway." It's simple but true. The God who carved the mountains and created every living being from the beginning of time, cares enough about me to never forsake me or leave me alone with my hurt and anger and disappointments.

So as the family of Mr. Beck and SO many other families who have experienced death and grief just this year alone, mourn their loss and are filled with sorrow they, WE, can be filled with many promises. Not only will there be THE God of the universe to comfort and hold us, but our hope and promise in the midst of it all can be an example for others who don't quite get why we can still rejoice in the middle of a tragedy. I can only hope that when tragedy strikes me, I can be used for God's purpose.

Irby

I should probably really keep my mouth shut on this one, but yet I can't. With all this media coverage on the crash that killed 2 doctors and involving the Irby's, it's just become too much. Yes, I believe Karen deserves time for what she did. However, I also believe that Stuart Irby deserves his time behind bars, too. It is very apparent just from looking at Karen and comparing photos of her from before the crash right up until her mugshot from today, that this has taken it's toll on her. What she did will haunt her for the rest of her life. Do I think she was legally drunk when she crossed that median? Yes, I do. Do I think Stuart was initiating some sort of violent tirade when she crossed that median? Yes, I do. Do I think Karen has been afraid to speak out until now? Yes, I do. I'm not saying she should not do time. She definitely should. But, if Stuart was a passenger in the car at the time of the accident, regardless of who he is, where he comes from or how much money he has, he should be held just as reliable.

This story and this situation is so heart breaking. Nobody wins. The 2 deceased victims will have family and friends to mourn their deaths for a long time to come. The Irby's have children who will not get to see their Mama the way children should and NEED to. Karen will not get to see her daughters grow up. This proves that no one should be above the law. A socialite in Jackson,who on the surface, seemed like everything was always perfect and together, is now in a situation none of us could imagine ourselves in. Yes, Karen made a terrible decision. We all have. This could have just as easily been one of us in our weaker moments at a weak time in our lives. It would be untruthful to say differently. My heart breaks for her and for her children.

I pray that Stuart can soften his heart and realize what kind of damage has been done. It's none of my business as to where he is mentally, emotionally, or spiritually in his life. But, I only pray he can get his act together before it's too late.

Spiritual gifts.....

Well, I have definitely been on quite a roll with my blogging lately. I guess it's because I've had so much on my mind lately, and to blog is my equivalent to my form of therapy. To "get it all out".

I will first start off by telling you about a conversation I had with Brennan this morning. (Keep in mind that if you live in Jackson, you woke up to a monsoon this morning.)

Brennan: I am going to play outside today when I get home from school.

Me: Um, I don't think so. It is supposed to storm all day and it's not safe to play outside when it is thundering and lightening. The lightening is dangerous.

Brennan: That's okay, Mama. All I have to do is call on God and tell him to keep me safe. He knows how to take care of me when I call Him.

He says the darndest things. And it's quite funny how things work out sometimes, because Chad has been doing a daily devotion with Brennan every night at bedtime and it started out talking about Genesis 1:1. Well, the next Sunday, that is exactly what they were learning. Then last night, they talked about Noah and the ark, and today it has "come a flood" and I assume that is where Brennan decided all he had to do is call on God to help and God would keep him safe in the rain. Of course Chad and I had to tell him this morning that God also gave us a brain and He expects us to use it.

Second topic of this blog: Spiritual gifts. This is something I have been struggling with A LOT in the past year or so of my life. Especially in the recent months and weeks of this year and toward the end of last year. I know without a doubt what my spiritual gift is. I actually have more than one. These are things I've always had my entire life, but I haven't really acknowledged them and put them into use until recently. My gifts are mercy/compassion/empathy and giving/serving.

I've also had to acknowledge that my gift of mercy/compassion/empathy is a real thorn in my side sometimes. I literally ache and hurt and sink into a fit of grief when I know people around me are hurting. I don't even have to always know the person or people on a deep level. Sometimes I feel like it hinders my ability to focus on what I can do for the people hurting because I'm so lost in my own grief over what the person is going through. I don't know if that could be God's way of telling me I need to put that gift into use by simply putting all that emotion into prayer for whoever is heavy on my heart at that moment. When a person or situation is heavy on my heart and mind I literally lose sleep and even have nightmares about all kinds of crazy things. I don't sleep well anyway, and when I'm hurting for someone else, it makes it that much worse.

My gift of serving and giving has not proved to be a challenge for me yet. My only challenge so far, is that I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want to go to Nicaragua again this year, but I don't have the financial resources to be able to go. I have finally accepted in my head (not really in my heart) that if God wants me there this year, He will provide a way. I have faith it will happen if it's meant to be.

But, my most challenging spiritual gift of mercy/compassion/empathy is something that I am really struggling with almost on a daily basis lately. And I know that's because a lot of people around me are hurting with all sorts of different afflictions. But, the older I get the more I am aware of my mercy and compassion and the harder it gets to deal with. So, I guess I'm expected to use all of my bottled up emotion in prayer????? That is a very good question.

High School buddies...

Randi and Mandy

From the left: Randi, Monica, Bonnie, and myself at our 10 year high school reunion.

I really wish I had a scanner so that I could scan this really awesome picture of my 3 best friends and me from our senior year of high school with our class of '99 jerseys on. The picture was taken at a pep rally one Friday morning. Just a moment in time caught on film and now it's one of my most treasured pictures. I hated high school. I was definitely one of those who lived for the day I graduated. There was one thing I loved about school though, and that was my friends. From 9th grade on I had a special bond with this most wonderful girl named Randi.

So let me give you a brief history of Randi and me: Randi and I met in 9th grade--the first day--in the auditorium at Byram High School in study hall. I even remember what she had on! We clicked from the moment we first started talking. From that point on, we became inseparable. We were "attached at the hip" as some might say. We even had some random folks from time to time ask if we were twin sisters on more than one occasion.

Our junior year, Randi got a fabulous new shiny car for Christmas. She had "Ran Ran" put on her tag. The following year, I got a new car for graduation. So I had "Man Man" put on my tag. Her senior jersey said "Ran-Maree" and my senior jersey said "Man-Marie" because our middle names were both Marie/Maree and we called each other the before mentioned names. Randi and Mandy, the 2 inseparable amigos.

Our senior year we also formed a special bond with 2 other great girls who we had grown up with all these years, but for some reason I can't quite recall right off, all 4 of us became best friends. One of us was always hanging out with another of us in our group. We even had someone nickname our little 4 girl group, "The Clique". Now, don't get the wrong impression, we weren't stuck-up cheerleaders (and I'm not saying if you were a cheerleader, you were stuck-up) or some weird little group that had some secret language, but we just all had a special bond. We even all 4 took our A.C.T. together, we all applied for college together, and we had even all signed up to live in the dorms together at Hinds. Well, as the story goes, myself and one other other girl in our group, Monica, decided not to live on campus the summer before we started. Her and I went to orientation together and HATED it the few hours we were there. So, we decided to break the news to the other 2 and let's just say things weren't the same after that. It's sad that something like that damaged our friendships, but it did. Randi and Bonnie were in my wedding, and Randi, Bonnie, and myself were in Monica's wedding. We all eventually parted ways for the most part.

I say all that so that I can say this: Randi lost her brother this past weekend. It didn't take long before word spread and the 4 of us shared thoughts and prayers and grief. We share a bond that no one else can ever understand. Randi and I were so close we could finish each others sentences at one time, and now 10 years later our friendship has been renewed. We had just recently in the past year been talking and hanging out and becoming close again. I think the tragedy of Matthew's death will be the glue that the 4 of us need for each other. When I hugged Randi, we had that bond again. She opened up to me. We were all together again and I feel confident that as Randi and her family travel the long road ahead, "The Clique" will be there--even after 10 years-- to help pick up the pieces for her. Life is short and I have the regret that we wasted 10 years of our lives because we had a little spat. But, when we are all around each other, it's as though no time has passed. We still laugh and roll our eyes at each other, and give hugs when they are needed. I've never hugged and held tight to a friend as much as I have the past 2 days. I couldn't wait to get my hands on her and love on her when she needed it the most. Monica's husband, who is a minister, did Matthew's funeral today. Sitting there beside Monica with her husband speaking beautiful words about an old friend, I've never been so proud of the 3 of my friends and what we all mean to each other.

All these times you casually mention "maybe we should get together soon" -- "yes, let's do that"... WELL, DO IT!!! It doesn't take much more effort to pick a time and a day and plan a lunch date or a dinner date with long, lost friends. Life is short. Hug your friends when they need it. Wipe away tears or let them cry on your shoulder. Call up that college buddy you haven't seen or talked to in years, even if it's just to say "Hello". I know with Facebook and other technology people are able to find old friends and family members, but nothing is as personal as face to face talk and nothing is as comforting as a hug from someone you once stayed up all night laughing with because you were giddy high school girls. I don't like to hug...I'm not a touchy-feely kind of gal, but hugs from a friend when they need it the most are priceless.

Unanswered prayers....

Okay, so for those of you who follow my blog or read it when I post a new entry, well you know I like to share my thoughts.... I just want to share one thing that REALLY and TRULY upsets me.... I absolutely cannot stand it when someone says they are glad for unanswered prayers. Why does that upset me? Because there is no such thing as prayers that go unanswered. Period.

God ALWAYS answers prayers. (Believe me, not only does the Bible tell me so, but I also know from personal experience!) The problem with God always answering prayer is this: He may not answer it the way we think He should or needs to. Prayer gets answered in one of three ways:

#1. No.

#2. Yes.

#3. Not yet.

And even when prayers are answered with a yes or no response, it may the OPPOSITE answer we were praying for. OR it could be a "be careful what you 'wish' for because you just may get it" answer. God knows exactly what He's doing. He made the stars, the sun, the moon, the Earth and the millions and millions of creatures inhabiting Earth. I kinda think the Man Upstairs knows a thing or two about how to run things......

Loss.....

Well, I'm sucking in a deep breath, and letting it out. Otherwise known as a stress-relieving sigh. And the reason for my sigh is breathtaking, so I continue to sigh over and over today. Rambling? That I am.

Here's the skinny: Does anyone remember when I blogged the last week of 2009 and how I had hoped that 2010 would be a much better year than 2009? Well, if not, you are more than welcome to glance back and read that post. Otherwise, I'm here to say that so far, this year's outlook is pretty crummy. It hasn't been roses and sunshine and all things good for the past 3 months since we rang in the new year with Elvis singing "Burning Love" to me at Graceland.

Around every corner is bad news. It begins here surrounding me and stretches as far as Haiti and Chile. Just yesterday with Hawaii bracing for a possible tsunami after the devastating earthquake in Chile, I got news from an old high school friend. My BFF in high school lost her brother yesterday. So tragic and so heartbreaking I can't stop thinking about it. He was only 25 years old and owned a successful photography company. As a matter of fact, I remember he and I making this ridiculously silly pact one time (when I was a senior and he was a freshman in high school) that if we weren't married by the time he turned 30, then we would marry each other. He was incredibly sweet and good-hearted and always had a HUGE grin on his face.

Death is hard. It's so final. At least for those left on this side of Heaven. I feel like things have been so tragic lately that I found myself staring at Brennan's kindergarten picture the other day, thinking to myself, out of these 24 kids, who will still be healthy and alive 15, 20, and 25 years from now. Morbid? Absolutely. Twisted thoughts? You betcha. I've gotten to where that's how I think sometimes. I've been shown repeatedly in the past 5 years of my life just how short life really is, and just how there is no guarantee that my world will still be the same when I wake up every morning. How things can change before you can blink an eye. People get up out of bed every morning, get ready for work and school with the same routine as always, yet before the day is through something life-changing happens, and nothing is ever the same again. Routines are no longer routines. Things change, thought processes change, and heartbreak is something that ultimately you can never recover from. You learn to function, and you learn to find a new routine. But, there is still that crack somewhere in your heart and soul that you find still stings from time to time.

When I had my first child, I knew I would always have this little person that I was responsible for and to worry over. I found myself thinking, well, if he's born healthy, that's good. One hurdle down. Then you start worrying about other things. Everything from choking on his first piece of real food, to getting behind the wheel of a car 15 years later and never seeing him again. Or sickness. You hear so many parents say "Well, if I can just get my kids grown up and out of the house, I'll be okay". But, that doesn't mean squat. Things can still happen to your child. Your babies. That type of loss has to be one that cuts the deepest.

I don't do it nearly as often as I should, but from time to time I will peak in at my boys when they are fast asleep and pray over them. There is no kind of peace like the kind I get thanking God for these beautiful blessings and praying for their lives. I pray for my kids every chance I get. But, to watch them sleeping and know that at that exact moment, I am their protector. They are safe and warm and cozy and peacefully sleeping. That is my heaven at this moment in my life.

I had so desperately hoped for a wonderful year this year. I know that bad news will come from time to time. I had just hoped it would come a little less often this year. So far, I've had enough bad news to last me the rest of the 9 months we have left of 2010. My heart is heavy and my prayers are many, many, many. As a matter of fact, my house is quiet. Maybe God is telling me to shut this computer down and unload my heavy heart. So, that is what I shall do. May everyone be blessed today and enjoy this day that we were able to wake up and kiss our children and our spouses and our parents.

Think....

THINK There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, I will marry you.' One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend. He asked her,'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him. Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.' This is how the human brain often works when our status changes. Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations. Life Is a Gift Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak. Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat.. Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion. Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who went too early to heaven.. Before whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet. And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job. And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around.. ==========================

Overwhelmed....

Well, I was really hoping for a better year in 2010. I was hoping above all hopes.... I guess I just should have prayed about it a little harder. Already so much has happened. And I mean, everywhere. Things happening to people I know, things happening to friends of friends, the earthquake in Haiti. It's only January and I'm really bummed out over this year.

First of all, I hate the word cancer. I HATE it. There are no words to describe the loathing that I feel for that word. It destroys lives, it destroys families, it destroys perfectly healthy bodies. As much as I hate that word, I am the least experienced when it comes to dealing with the C word. Yes, we've had cancer in our family before. My grandfather died of lung cancer, but he also smoked like a chimney. Not to say that anyone should get cancer. I loved my grandfather very much and it hurt to see him sick. But, what about all these other people it continues to affect? Like Baby Xavian, who has conquered the disease for now with much faith and prayer from many people. Or like Baby Ja'Colby, Xavian's friend, who just this morning, received his angel wings after just a few short months on earth. Or Mr. Beck, a family friend and one of the biggest prayer warriors and most faithful men of God. Or Mr. Stone, who was not a smoker, but was just diagnosed last fall with lung cancer. Or Kelvin and Tamara Jones who just found out a few weeks ago that their 14 year old son has an aggressive form of cancer. It's everywhere. Yes, there are survivors. Lots of survivors. But, it's an awful disease and it does awful things to one's body. Even the treatment of cancer is toxic.

And then, while I'm surrounded by so much pain and heartache this week, this month, this year, Chad and I got some REALLY hopeful news this past week. It could be the door we've been waiting for God to open. And I feel selfish for even praying about it and asking God to open the door and give us the answer our hearts are selfishly seeking. But at the same time it's some good news for us. A breath of very fresh air. And then a part of me is also waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me suddenly. Sure, Chad and I don't lead perfect lives. I've messed up enough for him and me both. We've had marital struggles, we've had financial hardships, but we always come out the other side better than before.

Right now, our lives are as close to perfect as a life can get. And I'm not saying that to brag. I don't want to brag. But, Chad and I both have good jobs, an education to fall back on, a nice house in a nice town, two cars that are paid for and run great, our bills get paid on time, we go to bed with food in our bellies, and above all else, we have our health. And most importantly our children have their health. Two beautiful, playful boys full of life and energy and questions. So, I guess I'm saying that to say this: I feel as though things should fall apart tomorrow. After all, it's not life if you don't have problems. I'm waiting for some really devastating news to come and slap us on the face. I know that sounds very pessimistic. I admit that it does. But maybe after so many months and months of heartbreak and disease and loss I've seen so many around me deal with, I feel like I'm just waiting in line for my turn. Waiting for my number to be called. I'm just really tired of seeing people hurt.

A lot of my pessimism (I admit) comes from not spending enough time on my knees in prayer. I guess life has gotten the best of me, and I haven't been focused enough on God and praying. I can really tell a difference and there is an unspeakable peace when I take a few moments, unselfishly, to be still and listen, and be still and get down on my knees and on my face and let it all out and hand it over to the only ONE who can handle my sadness and my heartache and who even wants to listen and already knows about our possible good news. Who can open the door because it His will and only when it's time for it to be His will.

I don't understand why God allows things to happen. I guess no one does. I do get angry at God for so many things. I question why so many innocent people suffer. I struggle every day with that question. But, for now, the only thing I can do is get back where I need to be and that is back on my knees. And for more than 5 minutes a week.

A new year........and a useless thought.....

So, in less than 48 hours it will be 2010. Wow. Seems like it might be a mouthful. So what will catch on? Two thousand ten? Or twenty ten? Guess we'll find out soon enough.

Usually I look forward to a new year about as much as someone might look forward to a root canal. Sometimes I'm a little indifferent, sometimes I really dread it, sometimes I even get a little sad. I almost NEVER look forward to it. I guess I'm just a "nostalgic" person per se. I don't like changes, and I don't always look forward to the future. The future always brings the unknown. The unknown causes a little knot of worry in the pit of my stomach. It's a feeling that's always there, too. Even if it's something simple, like, what are we having for dinner tonight? So, if I always have a knot of worry over something, even the most simplest of things, you can imagine what a new year does for me.

This past year was an easy transition. We had a new baby, I enrolled in school, Chad and I both had jobs we loved, everything was normal. We had a routine going, and all in our perfect little world was as perfect as it could be. However, January wasn't over before we were slammed with lots of devastating news. January 26 was the exact day that "normal" was no longer "normal". It started with my identity being stolen. Which at the time, was devastating. I cried, I got angry, I even wanted to seek revenge on whoever did this to me. However, it wasn't too long before I realized how minute my problem really was compared to the Hall family, who had just found out that their 3 month old baby boy had a malignant brain tumor. From February on, bad news seemed to be around every corner. Cancer, car accidents, unexpected deaths, more cancer, on and on the people that surrounded me seemed to be affected over and over with tragedy and grief.

This year has been a rough one on so many different levels. To wish it a proper farewell and a "don't let the door hit you on the way out" would be an understatement to how much I am looking forward to this year end. Normally, over the past few years, I don't even stay up to celebrate or ring in the new year. It's just an end to the Christmas season, and another wintry day for me. However, I have just about convinced myself that I have good enough reason to stay up late tomorrow night and give this year the good riddance it so very much deserves. I might just be the most excited girl in the southern states tomorrow night to wish 2009 adieu.

So, to the year 2009 I give a toast to you: You came, you saw, but you did not conquer. May you go in peace, and may you NEVER return again. As Matt Hall said.... "2009 is just another useless thought".

I try so hard not to get all emotional and sappy with my blogs, and keep it light- I know it bores people, but I really feel the need to share my heart. Just a few minutes ago I received a text message from someone in our church. A longtime member of our congregation was just given the news that they had cancer. Cancer in their bones and spine. The prognosis isn't known yet, but they have asked to be alone with their family this weekend. So, I'm pretty sure that's not a good sign. My heart is SO heavy.

What a devastating year this has been. In January, when I found out my identity had been stolen, I literally grieved for myself- as selfish as that was. I thought my world had been turned upside down and my life would never be the same again. In some ways that is true. But, compared to the other things I've experienced since then, I realize my problem is fixable. About 2 weeks (give or take a few days) after I found out about my identity theft, a friend I had recently gotten in touch with after not seeing him for a few years, found out his 3 month old had a malignant brain tumor. Wow. That totally blew me away. And broke my heart. And made me realize how selfish I was.

Two months later a childhood friend died suddenly in a car accident. Someone I had just seen for the first time in YEARS the day before she died. A wife. A mother. A daughter. A sister. A friend. So many lives touched by her.

Without dragging this out before my laptop battery dies, to sum it all up- I've been directly and indirectly affected by a total of 15 deaths this year. That doesn't include the people around me who are dealing with illnesses such as cancer or other things. I try to tell Chad all the time how good we have it. Whether I'm saying that for his sake or mine, it's so true.

I won't ever try and hide the fact that Chad and I live from paycheck to paycheck. We do. That's just the way it is. That's how we choose for it to be. Sure, I could go and find a job that pays double to triple what I'm making, and I had that previously. But, I am doing what's important to me. I'm taking care of my family. I'm watching my boys grow and learn and laugh. I am raising my children from 8 to 5 everyday instead of going out and earning a paycheck to buy "things". There are some days Chad and I wonder how we will buy groceries and pay our next bill. But, the bottom line is, we do. The money always "magically" appears and we buy our groceries and pay our bills, and even though there may be nothing left at the end of the week, we move on and do the best we can. I can look back one day and know that I had what was most important to me. My family.

Tomorrow, our lives could change in the blink of an eye. As morbid and depressing as it sounds, it's reality. I could lose my children. I could lose my husband. I could lose my parents. Or my family could lose me. Each moment should be cherished for what it is. My kids wear me out and drive me crazy, but I have those memories and so do they. What my life is now, I wouldn't change it for anything. But, this has been such a devastating year and my heart is grieving and heavy and hurting for so many. I feel like things are so unsteady and that could be God's way of getting my attention on certain matters of my life. It could also be a way of getting me on my knees and on my face seeking Him. One thing I have learned this year, above all else, is how powerful prayer is. I only wish I felt worthy enough to worship such an incredible God. But, I guess that's the beauty of Christ and what He did for us.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Hug your children and spouse a little tighter from now on. Kiss them. Tell them how much they mean to you. And if you say it with tears in your eyes, well, that doesn't make you the weaker sex.