Forgiveness?????

Sometimes you have to believe in peace that surpasses all understanding..... Sometimes you have to believe in a God that surpasses all understanding..... and sometimes you have to have a faith that surpasses all understanding. Sometimes you have to have a forgiveness that surpasses all understanding, and I am having a hard time with that.

My family is brokenhearted. We are brokenhearted over many things going on in my family. None of the circumstances of our broken hearts are within our control. My mom can't control the things her brother does. My grandfather can't control the things his beloved son does. I can't control the circumstances that have been handed to my mother or my grandfather.

My uncle is is the center of this entire family right now. And if he knew it, he would love every moment of it. Only he is not the center of my family in a positive way. He has sent my grandmother to an early grave, he has destroyed our family, he has wiped my grandfather clean of every cent he has ever worked hard for, and he is slowly killing my mom and grandfather and any chance of having reconciliation within the wall of our family. Jesus told Peter when asked by him, how many times we should forgive. Seven times? No, not seven. But seventy-seven.

Forgiveness is a conscious choice. But more importantly it should be a HEARTFELT choice. How can I SAY I forgive someone I love, yet not forgive them and feel it in my heart, or even feel love towards them? How can you forgive someone seventy times seven, and on and on, yet watch them destroy every ounce of their life including the lives of people around them?

I'm having a hard time with forgiveness. I broke the ties with my uncle 4 years ago. Five days ago was the first time I had spoken to him in 4 years. We have thrown stones at each other indirectly for years. The only difference? I gave my life to Christ and made an effort to change. I still struggle with past choices and past emotions and people in my past. Some days are worse than others. Yet, I have never had the mentality my uncle has had. Things I did hurt those I loved the most. My mom, my husband, and indirectly my only child at the time. When I think of my mother's reaction to some choices I made, it kills me. It makes me want to weep. When I think of how badly I hurt my husband and how I had the potential to destroy the relationship with my son, I had to find some new outlets to vent the desires of the flesh. There were nights I would pray and cry myself to sleep. And it's still not an easy road. I will probably struggle with certain emotions and desires until the day I die.

I realize that forgiveness comes from obedience to God. And I realize that I am disobeying God by having such issues with forgiveness. I also realize that prayer is the only way to break down the walls I have against a family member I once loved and adored. I don't want to live in disobedience to my Savior, but how can you forgive someone wholeheartedly, yet still feel the sting of hatred and anger towards them when their name or something about them is brought up? I am a child of God. And we are ALL created in His image. So how can someone fall so far off the spectrum of a child of God and still be called a creation of God?

God took me to my breaking point, my rock bottom. When my mom picked me up from a strange place as I smelled of an all-night drinking binge with my child in the backseat and when I lost my job as a result-- that was rock bottom for me. I was humiliated. And I am humiliated admitting it. But, I am comfortable enough sharing it because I am not that person anymore. I trained for a marathon that same year and ran out a lot of anger. I thought that entire time, that that was my answer to my anger and frustrations and stupidity. And it did help. I vented physically and emotionally and built a lot of endurance and made some wonderful friends. But, here I am 4 years later, and I realize that was only the beginning of God getting me out of my pit. After I was through training and I finished my marathon, I felt complete for about 2 days.

I am still on a journey. I have made a complete about-face, and am so glad and thankful I have a husband who showed the same mercy and forgiveness that our Savior did. I had the potential to LOSE everything . Instead, I GAINED everything. That is why I have a hard time forgiving. Because, while I was shown forgiveness for my mistakes, I made an effort to turn from the wrongdoing and change my heart. My uncle has been shown the same forgiveness, yet for 30+ years, he has yet to make an effort. He has dragged everyone down with him, including his own son and his elderly father and his only sister and his wonderful wife.

I need advice on forgiveness. I've been broken and needed forgiving in my life--- and I received it. Yet I can't forgive this one person who is taking us all down with him spiritually. How do you forgive, yet mean it with your heart, and allow them to continue their behavior? You can't forgive, yet be permissive about them continuing to hurt you.