Have I ever mentioned before that God has a sense of humor? I'm pretty sure I have, but just in case you didn't catch it the first 100 times I've said it, I'll say it again: God has a sense of humor. At least, that's how I like to look at it when something doesn't go as planned (or how I think it should go) and then things always work out for better in the end.
So goes our baby-making story. Still unsuccessful after 4 months. And I know what you're thinking. Four months and you're already worried about it? Well, seeing as how our first 2 kids came along before we even realized what happened, 4 months is a long time. Which is why I say God has a sense of humor. Chad and I both thought once again, bada-bing, bada-bam, here comes baby. WRONG. But I feel confident that God is trying to teach us something here. However I'm not sure if it's patience, pain tolerance, or just learning to trust in God over something we thought we had total control over.
Once Chad and I decided to start trying after my doctor's strong recommendation, we both thought to ourselves and each other, "We've got this!" Each month that comes and goes with no positive pregnancy test is one month that is painful, emotional, and debilitating for one or two days. And I don't mean because we are so emotional and racked with pain over not being pregnant, but my endometriosis totally takes center stage and takes over for days.... a couple of them being days that I can't even leave the house. A day like today, which with the weather like it is, it only seems fitting. I can handle EMOTIONALLY each month that passes with no baby in sight, but physically my body is giving me hell. I know female problems are mostly kept private, but if anyone has ever had to deal with the physical pain of something like endometriosis, it's hard to keep quiet. It can wear you down month after month. Literally everything between my knees and my neck hurt excruciatingly bad. Yes, even my KNEES hurt. Don't ask me why.
When I had surgery to remove my endometriosis almost 5 years ago, I was told it was temporary. There is no cure expect for pregnancy (which endometriosis can cause severe infertility issues) or a hysterectomy. It seems 5 years post-op and 2 years post-baby, it has come back with a vengeance and a point to make some days unbearable.
However, if this is my only problem, I am blessed beyond measure. I am just learning to refocus my emotions and concern away from a selfish standpoint, to directing it towards the only One who has control over my situation. I'm not sure why I decided to share this on my blog, other than to vent and deal with the fact that God has a plan and purpose. Pregnant or not, He knows what we are ready for and what we're not ready for. He knows the plans for our life and I don't. Furthermore, we already have 2 beautiful, healthy boys who we love more than anything in this world.
On a side note, I have told Chad that if infertility has already set in and made a permanent home, then I want us to start praying about adoption. I've mentioned before that my heart longs to adopt a child who would not otherwise have a chance in this world. Chad doesn't feel as strongly as I do about adoption, and he may never feel strongly. But God can soften hearts over things like that, so I have asked Chad to pray about it. Well, I guess, stay tuned for the rest of the story....
Thanks for "listening".
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1 comment:
I will keep you in my prayers.
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