Thoughtful Thursday......

It has been a week. That is the only way I can start this entry. I have built up so much stress inside my gut, my head, and my heart, that I think I might explode. From day one it has not been a good week.

Sunday was bad because my kids basically made me cuss in church. Then I came down with a terrible headache and wanted nothing to do with anyone who came in sight of me.

Monday I was in a lot of pain with my right side. The same pain I've had for over a year. Some of my closest friends know about this. Monday the pain was so bad that I wanted to chew an arm off just to relieve the pain in my side. And I FINALLY broke down and called the doctor to get an appointment. The pain is becoming like Chinese water torture for me. It's slowly but surely driving me insane.

Monday night I woke up in a panic thinking I had left a very expensive piece of equipment on at our dental office and I literally had a panic attack over the thought of frying a $10,000 piece of equipment that is pertinent to running a dental practice. Never mind, I don't have $10,000 lying around to replace something I was careless about. Plus I certainly didn't want to lose a job that I love. I was physically sick. And so worried about it that I was too afraid to call the office the next day and ask if I had left it on and broken it. (Fortunately, I turned it off. I guess it's just become such a habit that I didn't remember turning it off.)

Tuesday night my husband decides to tell me right as I'm turning off the light to go to sleep that I have unknowingly caused some family drama. Really? I already have insomnia. Thanks, Chad for waiting to tell me at the exact moments I'm turning off the lights. It was his normal "oh, by the way" nonchalant attitude. Five minutes later he was snoring. Five minutes later I wanted to whack him in the head and make him listen to me cry. But I have washed my hands of that drama.

Here comes the really overwhelming part, though. And I don't know why I feel I should share this with the world, but apparently I share everything else with the world, so why not my #1 issue?

I went to the doctor yesterday morning for the chronic pain in my right side. In the back of my head I knew what she was going to tell me. So, after doing an exam and a sonogram, they found 2 things causing my culprit. #1. I have a cyst on my right ovary, which is not really a big deal. Lots of females have them. And it wasn't so big that it should have been causing me pain. #2. My endometriosis has come back with a vengeance. This is bad news for me.

In 2006 I had surgery to get rid of the same thing. I also had a series of 6 injections, once a month at about $300 an injection. She warned me it was a temporary solution to my problem. A VERY expensive temporary solution, but I had some other issues in my life and I wasn't ready to get pregnant by any stretch of the imagination. (Pregnancy is a self-cure for endometriosis.)

So back to yesterday. She sat me down in her office and closed the door and laid out the options. #1. Try a different birth control and see if it helps in any way with any of the symptoms, including the pain I am having.

#2. Have surgery #2 and have the #2 set of expensive injections. Again, temporary, but will get me through the next 2 or 3 years.

#3. Go ahead and get pregnant, have baby #3 and have a hysterectomy at the same time I give birth.

The longer I let my endometriosis stay as it is, the more at risk I become for having infertility issues. Which for me, excludes the first option. And by the way, my doctor's first option and only recommendation in her professional opinion is the third option.

I am overwhelmed and I am praying to God for an answer. I am begging God for an answer. I so want another baby. And so does Chad. But there are so many things I enjoy about my life now. I love, love, love having Ethan home with me by himself during the day while Brennan is at school. I love seeing Ethan's milestones each day and not being consumed with another tiny baby to look after.

And a hysterectomy???? That is such a big word for a young lady. I don't want to be growing hair on my chin and having hot flashes by the time I'm 35. A hysterectomy is so final. That's it. I have no chance of ever bringing life into this world.

I did talk to a precious friend who is a couple of years older than me tonight who had a hysterectomy. She encouraged me by making me feel better about how she's not growing hair on her chin and she certainly doesn't resemble a 60 year old postmenopausal woman.

I just want a final answer and a final cure. And I know what that is. There is only one option that is a final, no take back, cure. It's irreversible. My doctor even thinks that maybe I could already have infertility issues since this problem has come back so bad. (And let's just say that the chronic pain is only a small part of the big picture here.)

I will be on my knees for the next few days and I really want to be able to discern God's voice from my own. He is in control and His timing is always perfect. He has never abandoned me in anything before, so I know He won't now. I just don't remember my first 2 kids being such a hard decision to make when it came to whether we were ready or not..............