Loss.....

Well, I'm sucking in a deep breath, and letting it out. Otherwise known as a stress-relieving sigh. And the reason for my sigh is breathtaking, so I continue to sigh over and over today. Rambling? That I am.

Here's the skinny: Does anyone remember when I blogged the last week of 2009 and how I had hoped that 2010 would be a much better year than 2009? Well, if not, you are more than welcome to glance back and read that post. Otherwise, I'm here to say that so far, this year's outlook is pretty crummy. It hasn't been roses and sunshine and all things good for the past 3 months since we rang in the new year with Elvis singing "Burning Love" to me at Graceland.

Around every corner is bad news. It begins here surrounding me and stretches as far as Haiti and Chile. Just yesterday with Hawaii bracing for a possible tsunami after the devastating earthquake in Chile, I got news from an old high school friend. My BFF in high school lost her brother yesterday. So tragic and so heartbreaking I can't stop thinking about it. He was only 25 years old and owned a successful photography company. As a matter of fact, I remember he and I making this ridiculously silly pact one time (when I was a senior and he was a freshman in high school) that if we weren't married by the time he turned 30, then we would marry each other. He was incredibly sweet and good-hearted and always had a HUGE grin on his face.

Death is hard. It's so final. At least for those left on this side of Heaven. I feel like things have been so tragic lately that I found myself staring at Brennan's kindergarten picture the other day, thinking to myself, out of these 24 kids, who will still be healthy and alive 15, 20, and 25 years from now. Morbid? Absolutely. Twisted thoughts? You betcha. I've gotten to where that's how I think sometimes. I've been shown repeatedly in the past 5 years of my life just how short life really is, and just how there is no guarantee that my world will still be the same when I wake up every morning. How things can change before you can blink an eye. People get up out of bed every morning, get ready for work and school with the same routine as always, yet before the day is through something life-changing happens, and nothing is ever the same again. Routines are no longer routines. Things change, thought processes change, and heartbreak is something that ultimately you can never recover from. You learn to function, and you learn to find a new routine. But, there is still that crack somewhere in your heart and soul that you find still stings from time to time.

When I had my first child, I knew I would always have this little person that I was responsible for and to worry over. I found myself thinking, well, if he's born healthy, that's good. One hurdle down. Then you start worrying about other things. Everything from choking on his first piece of real food, to getting behind the wheel of a car 15 years later and never seeing him again. Or sickness. You hear so many parents say "Well, if I can just get my kids grown up and out of the house, I'll be okay". But, that doesn't mean squat. Things can still happen to your child. Your babies. That type of loss has to be one that cuts the deepest.

I don't do it nearly as often as I should, but from time to time I will peak in at my boys when they are fast asleep and pray over them. There is no kind of peace like the kind I get thanking God for these beautiful blessings and praying for their lives. I pray for my kids every chance I get. But, to watch them sleeping and know that at that exact moment, I am their protector. They are safe and warm and cozy and peacefully sleeping. That is my heaven at this moment in my life.

I had so desperately hoped for a wonderful year this year. I know that bad news will come from time to time. I had just hoped it would come a little less often this year. So far, I've had enough bad news to last me the rest of the 9 months we have left of 2010. My heart is heavy and my prayers are many, many, many. As a matter of fact, my house is quiet. Maybe God is telling me to shut this computer down and unload my heavy heart. So, that is what I shall do. May everyone be blessed today and enjoy this day that we were able to wake up and kiss our children and our spouses and our parents.